In our society, the hierarchy for women goes like this:
Married with children
Divorced with children
Married with no children
Unpartnered with children
Unpartnered with no children
An unpartnered, childless woman of a certain age is at the bottom of the barrel. To my society, and to a large extend my friends and families, I don't exist. Not the real me, the unpartnered, childless me. To them, I am simply the wife/mother-in-training.
To be invalidated by my society based solely on my fertility and marital status hurts. My contribution, otherwise, to the society is ignored. But I can live with this. I know my own worth; I have faith that my worth will be recognized by someone somewhere.
However, to be invalidated by Dr. TGIASE, the man I love(d), hurts to no end. Here is a man, a lover, a partner, who told me my entirety, everything I've got to offer him, is nothing compared to the fertility a 28-year-old can offer him. To be invalidated by someone I respected, loved, dreamt of a future with, it is a huge blow to my values and believes. I booked an appointment to talk to my physician about freezing my eggs. I wish I were a man.
What's more scary is that how many men actually believe this but would never say it out loud? All of them? It's a primal need, but we aren't hunter gathers anymore. All these bullshit about primal need of non-monogamous, finding women with big boobs, aren't they just all excuses for one to justify hurting someone else? I don't judge people who wants non-monogamous relationships as long as no one gets hurt. We live in a world much different than the paleolithic age, why haven't we evolved to behave according to our environment? Aren't these evolutionists all hypocrites in terms of this?
In the end, how does one live hopefully without comprising her values in the face of all these invalidations?
Friday, May 11, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
The Creep
I met The Creep on the free internet dating site. The message conversation started with thoughts on Christianity, and he asked to meet. I re-scheduled because of two reasons: a date conflict with Dog Owner, and The Creep asked me to meet at a hotel lobby. The first meeting for internet dates are never real first dates. At most they are "meet and greet". But I still don't want to meet and greet a stranger at a hotel lobby... That creeped me out a little, so I chose Dog Owner over The Creep.
The Creep called a week later. Once I talked to him on the phone, my interest was piqued. He's well educated, have some original thoughts, and seem to share some common grounds with me. I agreed to meet him at a Chinese restaurant. He wanted to meet at 5:30pm. Again, unusual. Fine. Whatever.
I am a hugger, so I always hug people even if they are strangers. When I first met The Creep, he extended his hand for a handshake while I opened my arm for a hug. This happens a lot. I am sorry, I don't do handshakes with potential dates. Most people adapt quickly and switch to a hug. The Creep hugged me, and lifted me off the ground. What The FUCK? From that moment on, he seemed distracted, uncomfortable, and arrogant. He didn't ask me much personal questions, and when I asked him questions such as "where did you grow up", he gave very generic answers, never offering any personal answers. We talked about politics, racial stereotypes, gender stereotypes, etc. The entire time I get the feeling that he was just not interested at all, and he wanted me to know it. I really didn't care. Luckily the meeting was confined by the length of the meal, so when the food is finished, we parted ways.
I was kind of pissed off because I could have done yoga that night. Instead I wasted an hour on The Creep. Not time wasted in the sense that I didn't get a boyfriend out of him. I was intrigued but I wasn't all that interested because he's younger. I simply don't like younger men. Time wasted in the sense that I learned nothing, absolutely nothing, from this hour meeting. I lost an hour of my life, and gained nothing. That pisses me off.
What I learned: absolutely nothing. Fuck this.
The Creep called a week later. Once I talked to him on the phone, my interest was piqued. He's well educated, have some original thoughts, and seem to share some common grounds with me. I agreed to meet him at a Chinese restaurant. He wanted to meet at 5:30pm. Again, unusual. Fine. Whatever.
I am a hugger, so I always hug people even if they are strangers. When I first met The Creep, he extended his hand for a handshake while I opened my arm for a hug. This happens a lot. I am sorry, I don't do handshakes with potential dates. Most people adapt quickly and switch to a hug. The Creep hugged me, and lifted me off the ground. What The FUCK? From that moment on, he seemed distracted, uncomfortable, and arrogant. He didn't ask me much personal questions, and when I asked him questions such as "where did you grow up", he gave very generic answers, never offering any personal answers. We talked about politics, racial stereotypes, gender stereotypes, etc. The entire time I get the feeling that he was just not interested at all, and he wanted me to know it. I really didn't care. Luckily the meeting was confined by the length of the meal, so when the food is finished, we parted ways.
I was kind of pissed off because I could have done yoga that night. Instead I wasted an hour on The Creep. Not time wasted in the sense that I didn't get a boyfriend out of him. I was intrigued but I wasn't all that interested because he's younger. I simply don't like younger men. Time wasted in the sense that I learned nothing, absolutely nothing, from this hour meeting. I lost an hour of my life, and gained nothing. That pisses me off.
What I learned: absolutely nothing. Fuck this.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
The 28-year old hussy
Finally Dr. TGIASE is back to San Diego. He sent me an email saying he'd like to keep in touch. I suggested that we met up for coffee because I needed the closure.
I was nervous, but the evening went well. We talked and laughed like old times. At the end of the night he told me he'd like to do this again soon. I told him that I didn't want to be just friends. To me, I want him to be my boyfriend now, or I can take a while to recover and be friends down the road.
He said he couldn't say yes for several reasons.
Reason one, he now thinks that he probably shouldn't be dating anyone right now so he can focus on school.
Reason two, he wants kids, and he doesn't want them before his training is done. He can wait, and there will be some 28-year old hussy he can always marry and knock up.
This is the very first time a man actually rejected me, out loud, for my ticking biological clock. I have always been ambivalent about having kids. My attitude is that if a man wants it, I'll comply, but I don't need to be a mother like many do. It came a a surprise to how much it hurts to realize that I have crossed the line where no matter how awesome I may be, I am an unsuitable partner for many men.
I am at that peculiar age where:
- men of family minds have already partnered up and have families
- men within my age range (+12/-2) who aren't partnered up aren't ready for a while, hence my declining fertility is of huge concern
- men who are ready to have families are too old
It is the closure I needed. I am glad that Dr. TGIASE was honest about it rather than stringing me along and leave me in the future when I can't have kids.
Dating is a hopeless game. I think I am done playing.
I was nervous, but the evening went well. We talked and laughed like old times. At the end of the night he told me he'd like to do this again soon. I told him that I didn't want to be just friends. To me, I want him to be my boyfriend now, or I can take a while to recover and be friends down the road.
He said he couldn't say yes for several reasons.
Reason one, he now thinks that he probably shouldn't be dating anyone right now so he can focus on school.
Reason two, he wants kids, and he doesn't want them before his training is done. He can wait, and there will be some 28-year old hussy he can always marry and knock up.
This is the very first time a man actually rejected me, out loud, for my ticking biological clock. I have always been ambivalent about having kids. My attitude is that if a man wants it, I'll comply, but I don't need to be a mother like many do. It came a a surprise to how much it hurts to realize that I have crossed the line where no matter how awesome I may be, I am an unsuitable partner for many men.
I am at that peculiar age where:
- men of family minds have already partnered up and have families
- men within my age range (+12/-2) who aren't partnered up aren't ready for a while, hence my declining fertility is of huge concern
- men who are ready to have families are too old
It is the closure I needed. I am glad that Dr. TGIASE was honest about it rather than stringing me along and leave me in the future when I can't have kids.
Dating is a hopeless game. I think I am done playing.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Dog Owner
Dog Owner asked me to "come over and have a glass of wine". I went over, and had some scotch. We didn't make out, didn't even sit on the couch and snuggle. We sat next to the dinning table and BS for an hour. Dog Owner is an intellectual and has a job for an intellectual, but he would say stuff like "hey man have fun" while throwing this gangster gesture. WTF?
At the end he pecked me on the lips. Maybe one of these days when his dogs are at his ex-wife's we can finally, like, kiss?
What I learned: in the 60s the Chinese reached out to western world because they needed a fertilizer plant. Also Lismore Speyside from TJ is an okay single-malt scotch. Drink it like Mad Men.
At the end he pecked me on the lips. Maybe one of these days when his dogs are at his ex-wife's we can finally, like, kiss?
What I learned: in the 60s the Chinese reached out to western world because they needed a fertilizer plant. Also Lismore Speyside from TJ is an okay single-malt scotch. Drink it like Mad Men.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Mr. Generic, #2
I started this blog with Mr. Generic. I am meeting a lot of these generic guys. They all seem to work in the computer industry. They work a set schedule. Who knows what they do after work. Maybe work out a little? On weekends they "go to the beach and hand out and stuff". They don't have any specific passion besides, I guess, being alive. They don't have causes. They don't seem to know much. I am sure they are all fine guys, but I don't seem to be attracted to any of them. My problem, I know.
Mr. Generic, #2 is such a guy. I met him on the free internet dating site. We talked on the phone. I am just going to keep blaming my bitchiness on PMS. I am always pre- or post- menstrual cycle, hence the pre- or post menstrual syndrome. I started talking about organic food, buying local, etc, etc. Mr. Generic, #2 doesn't seem to have any opinion about this. He will say "oh yeah?" at the end of many of my statements. That annoyed me. After a while it doesn't sound like he has much going on in his life, so I ask him what he does after work or on weekends. "Oh, I go to the beach and stuff." *Eye roll*. I am really spoiled by Dr. TGIASE - a man with interests, passions, causes, opinions, knowledges. A man who is alive... Sigh.
Is there even a need to meet Mr. Generic, #2? I think not.
What I learned: people who program drones some times do know what part of the drone their programs control.
Mr. Generic, #2 is such a guy. I met him on the free internet dating site. We talked on the phone. I am just going to keep blaming my bitchiness on PMS. I am always pre- or post- menstrual cycle, hence the pre- or post menstrual syndrome. I started talking about organic food, buying local, etc, etc. Mr. Generic, #2 doesn't seem to have any opinion about this. He will say "oh yeah?" at the end of many of my statements. That annoyed me. After a while it doesn't sound like he has much going on in his life, so I ask him what he does after work or on weekends. "Oh, I go to the beach and stuff." *Eye roll*. I am really spoiled by Dr. TGIASE - a man with interests, passions, causes, opinions, knowledges. A man who is alive... Sigh.
Is there even a need to meet Mr. Generic, #2? I think not.
What I learned: people who program drones some times do know what part of the drone their programs control.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Lovable (?) Geek
I met Lovable (?) Geek on the free internet dating site. We had set a date before but I sort of cancelled last minute. These days I am not too motivated to date mostly because I am definitely not over Dr. TGIASE yet. But if a guy asks me out, I'd go out with him. I always award this behavior. Lovable (?) Geek is such a guy. Not too impressive of a profile, but he asked, and persisted, so I went on a coffee date. He's actually quite cute with a Filipino father and a white mother. He has some interesting family background but in general I didn't feel much chemistry. We don't seem to share much interest. He said he liked to read on his profile, but when asked couldn't tell me the most recent book he read. Another thing that annoys me is when guys ask me how I like that free internet dating site. Um, are we really out of topics to talk about, on a first date, that we have to talk about the dating site? I like it just fine, thank you very much. It's one of the many ways to meet men. It happens to be free. What more do you want? I guess I still have PMS - post menstrual syndrome. I should take this opportunity in the future and get a guy-perspective.
What I learned: the racial tension in the mid-west is usually constrained to white-black relationships. Other races are usually not the target.
Update: Lovable (?) Geek and I texted a few times back and forth. Meh. No sparks. Oh well.
What I learned: the racial tension in the mid-west is usually constrained to white-black relationships. Other races are usually not the target.
Update: Lovable (?) Geek and I texted a few times back and forth. Meh. No sparks. Oh well.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Dog Owner
While I was trying to concentrate on Outdoor Man, I didn't have time to date others. But after I squared away with Outdoor Man, I was ready to see other people. Dog Owner happened to ask me to hang out again so we went for a nice walk with his two dogs. I found out that he's separated, has custody issues with the ex-wife about the dogs, almost divorced two years ago but stayed in the marriage. Dog Owner is a smart man, knows a lot. He's way too neurotic about his dogs. I am much more free-spirited than he is, and that's to say a lot. I forgive him though. He's definitely not ready to move on for a relationship, and I am not ready either. So this is a perfect match. We keep each other company, but no stress. Two dates and we didn't even kiss. Well I am okay with that. I will keep dating him for the dogs...
What I learned: early settlement in Chicago.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Outdoor Man
Today Outdoor Man and I went hiking in the Palomar Mountains. I wanted to hike there for a while since it may be closed by the State in June. This was the first Saturday I had enough time to drive there, hike, and drive back. Outdoor Man was very nice to be my guide, sacrificing his own outdoor event that I refused to go to. But I was still sick, and was still irritated from the night before. We hiked a short trail and sat down for a quick lunch. He held me tight, and started talking about what he liked in bed. I am usually very open about this. It's important for me to communicate what we expect in bed. But I'd prefer to talk about it after we at least have sex once. I don't want to introduce kinks before we could prove that we even have any sexual compatibility. To add to my irritation, he would say that he has a certain kink, and when I asked what exactly did he like to do with that kink, he just said something like: "oh just, you know, the general kind of stuff." Hello. If we were going to talk about what we like in bed, be fucking specific, okay? I don't know how to do "the general kind of stuff". I know how to tie you up and whip you, but is that "the general kind of stuff"? You can't even articulate your sexual preference? I think this was the point I decided that I wouldn't sleep with him. Maybe that's even the point I decided that it's over.
Compounding the fact was that I was burping like a man, so I didn't really feel like kissing him. He tried to kiss me so many times, and at the end I just dodged. Not a good sign.
Later that night my friends tried to convince me that I should give the nice guy a chance. I really should. But somehow there was just no chemistry for me.
He called a couple days later making plans for the next weekend. A man who plans ahead! Isn't this one of the qualities I love in men? A planner, a guy who doesn't put me on "stand by", a guy who actually wants to see me. Okay nice guy. I really need to ignore the lack of chemistry and give this guy a try. But I had already signed up for a volunteering thing Saturday morning, and he's busy Sunday. I had a friend who was going to go volunteer with me, so I didn't invite Outdoor Man along because I wasn't ready for him to meet my friends yet. But if he had asked, I'd have said yes. Maybe he didn't ask because he sensed that I didn't want him there? But the fact that he wasn't more interested in the event annoys me. It signaled that he only cared about *his* pleasure but ignored everything else around him. He then proceeded to suggest we go paddle boarding in the afternoon. I told him I would be very tired after the clean up and not up for strenuous activity. He sounded upset and didn't suggest anything else.
I know my responsibility here. I should have invited him to the volunteer event. I should have suggested a movie night instead. Guys need to get confirmation that we are interested. During the phone call I screamed "not interested".
The next day he emailed me and asked if I were more interested in being friends. I told him I wasn't ready to date him exclusively.
I am waiting to see if I want to see him after not seeing him for a while. I hope I want to see him but so far, not likely. I guess we are just friends then.
What I learned: what Indian grinding rock for grinding acorns look like.
Compounding the fact was that I was burping like a man, so I didn't really feel like kissing him. He tried to kiss me so many times, and at the end I just dodged. Not a good sign.
Later that night my friends tried to convince me that I should give the nice guy a chance. I really should. But somehow there was just no chemistry for me.
He called a couple days later making plans for the next weekend. A man who plans ahead! Isn't this one of the qualities I love in men? A planner, a guy who doesn't put me on "stand by", a guy who actually wants to see me. Okay nice guy. I really need to ignore the lack of chemistry and give this guy a try. But I had already signed up for a volunteering thing Saturday morning, and he's busy Sunday. I had a friend who was going to go volunteer with me, so I didn't invite Outdoor Man along because I wasn't ready for him to meet my friends yet. But if he had asked, I'd have said yes. Maybe he didn't ask because he sensed that I didn't want him there? But the fact that he wasn't more interested in the event annoys me. It signaled that he only cared about *his* pleasure but ignored everything else around him. He then proceeded to suggest we go paddle boarding in the afternoon. I told him I would be very tired after the clean up and not up for strenuous activity. He sounded upset and didn't suggest anything else.
I know my responsibility here. I should have invited him to the volunteer event. I should have suggested a movie night instead. Guys need to get confirmation that we are interested. During the phone call I screamed "not interested".
The next day he emailed me and asked if I were more interested in being friends. I told him I wasn't ready to date him exclusively.
I am waiting to see if I want to see him after not seeing him for a while. I hope I want to see him but so far, not likely. I guess we are just friends then.
What I learned: what Indian grinding rock for grinding acorns look like.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Outdoor Man
Outdoor Man invited me to attend one of the outdoor events he usually go to. I wanted to do something else so I told him that. In a very sweet move he told me he'd rather to with me to hang out. Accommodating! After the last time we were communicating quite regularly. We talked or emailed every day. However, there was just no spark for me. I didn't look forward to his calls. It gave me very brief moment of pleasure when I saw his emails.
We had plans to watch a movie Friday night but I got sick over the week. I was going to cancel, but for whatever reason felt bad about it. So I went to dinner with him and watched the movie. It was awkward. We didn't seem to have anything to talk about besides the load down of what happened during the week. There wasn't any discussion over anything. I was annoyed dramatically. Later I realized that it must be the PMS talking. Once in a great while I get very emotional and irritable with PMS. The movie, The Island Presiden, was great. It talked about the environmental issue which I am very passionate about. It's also very inspirational what one person can accomplish if he/she truly believe in his/her cause. Outdoor Man, however, was most impressed by the scenery and the fact that he should visit before it sinks. He had nothing to say about the environmental issue nor the inspirations. I don't know. I just assume anyone who enjoys the outdoors would at least care about the environment a little. Outdoor Man strikes me as with no cause besides his own recreational interest.
It wasn't a very enjoyable night. At the end of it I didn't even try to get him in bed. I was sick, tired, emotional, irritable, and greatly annoyed.
What I learned: Maldives environmental issue and political background.
We had plans to watch a movie Friday night but I got sick over the week. I was going to cancel, but for whatever reason felt bad about it. So I went to dinner with him and watched the movie. It was awkward. We didn't seem to have anything to talk about besides the load down of what happened during the week. There wasn't any discussion over anything. I was annoyed dramatically. Later I realized that it must be the PMS talking. Once in a great while I get very emotional and irritable with PMS. The movie, The Island Presiden, was great. It talked about the environmental issue which I am very passionate about. It's also very inspirational what one person can accomplish if he/she truly believe in his/her cause. Outdoor Man, however, was most impressed by the scenery and the fact that he should visit before it sinks. He had nothing to say about the environmental issue nor the inspirations. I don't know. I just assume anyone who enjoys the outdoors would at least care about the environment a little. Outdoor Man strikes me as with no cause besides his own recreational interest.
It wasn't a very enjoyable night. At the end of it I didn't even try to get him in bed. I was sick, tired, emotional, irritable, and greatly annoyed.
What I learned: Maldives environmental issue and political background.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Outdoor Man
We are adding a new label of "fourth date" and I am not switching to boyfriend/girlfriend talk yet. It's good news!!! I am experimenting, and so far I like this pace. I find that I only have two modes: off and on. With Outdoor Man, I have to learn something in between, and it's very difficult.
After the surprise he texted me the next day to ask me out. I am a little reserved but I want to explore this more. We went on a nice off-trail hike in the dessert. I am pinpointing what about him that annoys me: the way he talks. He is not articulate. He will start sentences with "yeah" and drag his point on with "things like that". He will snicker for no apparent reasons: something funny is going through his head. I guess I am annoyed by all these because I do the exact same thing. Of course, these annoyances, compared to what Dr. TGIASE had, are insignificant, and definitely worth putting up with for an otherwise good man. See I am learning what are important and what aren't.
We didn't try to get in bed this time. I was worried to be disappointed again. I guess he's worried, too. In a sense he has lots of good qualities I enjoy: he likes the outside and knows his stuff; he likes to drive and has a car that can get us to places; he has a good career; he makes good money; he's good looking and tall; he and I have similar values; his actions seem to follow his words so far; most importantly, he's not in a huge transition in life. Things that may be deal-breakers: cat allergy (although claimed to be okay with non-drowsy medicine); has a pet that's not compatible with cats; and the issue in the bedroom.
We will wait and see. Will there be a fifth date?
What I learned: a new trail!
After the surprise he texted me the next day to ask me out. I am a little reserved but I want to explore this more. We went on a nice off-trail hike in the dessert. I am pinpointing what about him that annoys me: the way he talks. He is not articulate. He will start sentences with "yeah" and drag his point on with "things like that". He will snicker for no apparent reasons: something funny is going through his head. I guess I am annoyed by all these because I do the exact same thing. Of course, these annoyances, compared to what Dr. TGIASE had, are insignificant, and definitely worth putting up with for an otherwise good man. See I am learning what are important and what aren't.
We didn't try to get in bed this time. I was worried to be disappointed again. I guess he's worried, too. In a sense he has lots of good qualities I enjoy: he likes the outside and knows his stuff; he likes to drive and has a car that can get us to places; he has a good career; he makes good money; he's good looking and tall; he and I have similar values; his actions seem to follow his words so far; most importantly, he's not in a huge transition in life. Things that may be deal-breakers: cat allergy (although claimed to be okay with non-drowsy medicine); has a pet that's not compatible with cats; and the issue in the bedroom.
We will wait and see. Will there be a fifth date?
What I learned: a new trail!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Outdoor Man
Since I have a rare night in town, the Outdoor Man asked me to hang out with him. This is a good sign. We are moving past the seeing each other once a week routine. I went over to his house after work, and we snuggled on the couch for a while. That was very nice. I am still not head-over-heel for him, but I consider that a good sign: I've only met this man for three times in my life; I shouldn't feel like I want to marry him. Slow is good. I want to go slow. However, I do want to find out how Outdoor Man is in bed sooner than later. That's a huge deal breaker for me if I don't enjoy the time together. I want to get to the bottom of that and cut him loose if it doesn't work out in bed. Well, let's just say that it didn't happen as planned. I was surprised that Outdoor Man did open up to me and explained certain things, but I was kind of disappointed. We went to dinner after, and it was awkward. He said he'd call, but I am not sure. We will see.
What I learned: I don't like Indian food because it's usually vegetarian.
What I learned: I don't like Indian food because it's usually vegetarian.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Dog Owner
Finally I met a dog owner!! He also looks very good on paper. I was actually very excited about meeting him and had high hope. And you know how it goes: the higher the hope, the harder the disappointment. He's an okay-looking man, has a good job, mild-mannered, and has the dog I wanted. What bugged me was that he's not very opinionated. Everything I said, he agreed with. He didn't agree with me with his own supporting arguments, but simply repeated my arguments and agreed. He's also a bit neurotic, manifested in his taking a long time to order a beer and a burger, pestering the poor waiters with 100 questions. Dear God, an IPA is an IPA, it tastes shitty, so just get over it and order any one of them... I don't know. But I will probably keep dating him for the dog. Is that wrong?
A side note: going on two back-to-back dates on the same day is a little insane. What am I, racing an ultra marathon? I was just telling my friend that the prospect of having to date four guys is a bit grim and tiring. Then I reminded myself that these things usually have a way of working themselves out. You know the joke about men are like Bluetooth that they only connect with the closest while women are like Wifi that they only connect with the strongest? I don't need to worry. Only the strongest will survive.
What I learned: certain Catholic university doesn't provide birth control for its students. Nuts.
A side note: going on two back-to-back dates on the same day is a little insane. What am I, racing an ultra marathon? I was just telling my friend that the prospect of having to date four guys is a bit grim and tiring. Then I reminded myself that these things usually have a way of working themselves out. You know the joke about men are like Bluetooth that they only connect with the closest while women are like Wifi that they only connect with the strongest? I don't need to worry. Only the strongest will survive.
What I learned: certain Catholic university doesn't provide birth control for its students. Nuts.
Gay Straight Guy
He is kind of bitchy, he is kind of hippy, he is kind of gay. But he said he's not, and he's spending the afternoon with me so I assume he's interested in having vagina sex? Maybe scratch the last part because Gay Straight Guy is currently unemployed and has been for a while. It's not polite for me to ask "how do you sustain yourself all this time" on a first date, right? He wasn't a big shot before this, so unless he's had some huge amount of inheritance, I don't see how he could have made it without a job for so long and still live in this very expensive neighborhood. Since he's jobless, spending an afternoon with me is just a time-killer. When asked what he had planned for his next move, he mumbled something about looking for a new path, yada yada yada. Oh and he's a vegetarian. And he's a pretty boy and he knows it. Nah.
What I learned: we found a nice new vegetarian restaurant that has decent food, and something about digital management rights.
What I learned: we found a nice new vegetarian restaurant that has decent food, and something about digital management rights.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Outdoor Man
I talked to Outdoor Man once during the week to schedule a date on the weekend. We decided to hike. Outdoor Man knows his outdoor stuff like Dr. TGIASE does. I like that. I wasn't sure at first so I wrote down all the detail directions to and for the hike, but Outdoor Man knew exactly where to go. Perfect. We didn't really have much else to talk about besides his interest in outdoor stuff and some TV shows. Nothing too intellectual. I was also very tired and not very excited about the date. But when Outdoor Man kissed me I felt something unlike the nothingness I felt when ADHD Daddy kissed me. So maybe it isn't me. Whatever it is about Outdoor Man, my body liked it. Normally I would probably stop seeing Outdoor Man completely because of the lack of "intellectual connection". But I am declaring the "intellectual connection" overrated and tiring. Like my friend puts it, I, too, just want a "lovable geek". Outdoor Man seems like a lovable geek. He's also taking this very slowly, just the way I want it. The big problem: Outdoor Man is allergic to cats. Hmmm. What to do, what to do.
What I learned: Yucca isn't the same as Yuca (Cassava).
Friday, March 30, 2012
ADHD Daddy
Since our first date, ADHD Daddy has texted me once a day. We went on a second date where we met up for a drink then dinner. Just like the first date, ADHD Daddy just screams Dr. TGIASE #2. The words he uses to describe me; how he described his feelings for me; how he's already making plans to do all these awesome things with me; all of them are almost verbatim of Dr. TGIASE's during the first two dates. I had a nice time but still no feelings at the end of the night. I wonder if I just don't feel anything for anyone right now, or if he's so similar to Dr. TGIASE I am putting up a huge wall between us. He asked if he could see me again. Sure. I will even make dinner for him since he's paid for dinner and drinks twice now.
When I was telling my friends about the similarities between ADHD Daddy and Dr. TGIASE and The Addict, they told me things they said are likely said by a player. Were they players? Was I falling for players? I don't know anymore. Maybe they were all players. I just know that I attract a certain type, and I am attracted to them, too. I need to stop dating this type because it doesn't work out.
What I learned: nothing really. But I had some good food.
*Update: ADHD Daddy and I texted each other a couple times. I am busy, and he's busy. We don't seem to be able to find time on our schedule to meet again. I think he finally gave up. Might as well. ADHD, out of sight, out of mind. I know how that is. I am glad I didn't get swept off my feet again.
*Update: ADHD Daddy and I texted each other a couple times. I am busy, and he's busy. We don't seem to be able to find time on our schedule to meet again. I think he finally gave up. Might as well. ADHD, out of sight, out of mind. I know how that is. I am glad I didn't get swept off my feet again.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
His Selective Communication
This is a revalation as earth-shattering as He's Just Not That Into You. Thank you Yashar.
Phone Calls
This guy I messaged on the free internet dating site was a high match with me; he's cute; he's kid-less! He messaged back, and we exchange phone numbers. I really had high hope for this guy. He called today, and it was the most uncomfortable phone call I've ever had. He's quiet, and there will be long stretch of silence. I am fairly good at keep the conversation afloat, but I can't do it on my own. He strikes me as your typical computer nerd who lacks social skills. That's not how his profile came across. Who knows. Maybe he's just, um, uninterested? Then why the hell call? After about 8 minutes I was ready to scream "man you've got to give me something to work with". He didn't ask me out, so I just yarned and said I should get going. Sigh. Another one bites the dust.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
ADHD Daddy
I actually messaged ADHD Daddy on the free internet dating site before I met Dr. TGIASE. He responded but the message trail died. After I got back to dating, ADHD Daddy messaged me. We talked on the phone first, and he's a very smart guy, successful, but has young kids and recently divorced. Conversation over the phone with him was very satisfactory. Intellectually stimulating.
I met him for cocktail first. He's a good looking man. All the men I've dated recently are kind of short, short as in barely my height when I wear completely flat shoes. Well, beggars can't be choosers. If there's one thing I can live without is the height. That is, as long as they don't make me hug them like a baby. Oh believe me, that happened, on a second date. Yuck.
After cocktail we went for dinner. ADHD Daddy reminds me so much of Dr. TGIASE. He's very forward, not shy of telling me how he feels. Even the words he used: I just feel so comfortable around you; you are so in touch with your senses; you strike me as [compliment]. He even kissed me like Dr. TGIASE did. I somehow felt that Dr. TGIASE took my ADHD virginity. I can clearly see the ADHD signs from ADHD Daddy, and the whole time I just kept thinking about Dr. TGIASE. I felt nothing for ADHD Daddy. Here is a nice successful guy who's totally into me, albeit for his own dopamine level rather than for who I really am, I just want to go home and fantasize about Dr. TGIASE. Maybe I am not ready to date yet.
As predicted, ADHD Daddy wanted to see me as much as he can, and as soon as he can. Not feeling it makes it easier to tell him no. I am not falling for that again, not to mention that his divorce is still fairly recent. Let's keep it slow, emotionally anyway.
What I learned: How to make money as a college counselor.
I met him for cocktail first. He's a good looking man. All the men I've dated recently are kind of short, short as in barely my height when I wear completely flat shoes. Well, beggars can't be choosers. If there's one thing I can live without is the height. That is, as long as they don't make me hug them like a baby. Oh believe me, that happened, on a second date. Yuck.
After cocktail we went for dinner. ADHD Daddy reminds me so much of Dr. TGIASE. He's very forward, not shy of telling me how he feels. Even the words he used: I just feel so comfortable around you; you are so in touch with your senses; you strike me as [compliment]. He even kissed me like Dr. TGIASE did. I somehow felt that Dr. TGIASE took my ADHD virginity. I can clearly see the ADHD signs from ADHD Daddy, and the whole time I just kept thinking about Dr. TGIASE. I felt nothing for ADHD Daddy. Here is a nice successful guy who's totally into me, albeit for his own dopamine level rather than for who I really am, I just want to go home and fantasize about Dr. TGIASE. Maybe I am not ready to date yet.
As predicted, ADHD Daddy wanted to see me as much as he can, and as soon as he can. Not feeling it makes it easier to tell him no. I am not falling for that again, not to mention that his divorce is still fairly recent. Let's keep it slow, emotionally anyway.
What I learned: How to make money as a college counselor.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Daddy
I met Daddy on the free internet dating site. Men of my age or older are usually divorced with kids. I didn't want to narrow my field so I do hang out with dads, but deep inside I'd really prefer not to. For one, I am indifferent about kids. For two, if I were to have kids it's to put my genes back in the gene pool. I've even considered getting pregnant and giving up the child because I am not sure if I want to raise him/her.
I actually thought Daddy was another guy, the Tall Asian Guy, I was going to meet. This Tall Asian Guy boasted that he's a foodie. For whatever reason I got Tall Asian Guy and Daddy mixed up. When I got a text from Daddy, I just assumed he's Tall Asian Guy. I suggested some Ethiopian restaurants because that's what we talked about through messaging. The guy texted back to suggest we meet at an AppleBee that's close to his work. I thought to myself: are you serious? I suggested another joint that I at least want to eat at, and he agreed. I don't normally date Asian guys anyway, and given the mis-understanding that this so-called "foodie" wanting to meet at AppleBee, I was fairly "meh" about the date. I'd rather go run, but I'd already said I'd go, so maybe at least I get to try this joint.
Communication styles. I need to know the end point. For example, I need to know when/where to meet, and if others are going to be late, I just need to know that 1) we are still going to meet, and 2) the new estimate of time. Once I know that, I don't need a play by play real time update as to where you are. I trust you. Stop bothering me. Daddy was running late, and once we established the new time, he called me like 5 times, informing me that he's at this intersection, at that intersection, entering the parking lot, etc. I got so annoyed. If you are going to be late, can't you at least let me wait in peace? I guess most women probably want their boyfriends to keep them entertained, e.g. talking to them while they wait. No, I can entertain myself just fine, thank you very much.
When he showed up I was shocked that this isn't the Tall Asian Guy I was expecting. Oh well. At least that explained the AppleBee. He paid for dinner which was quite cheap, so I am okay with that. He's fairly good looking. He kept asking me questions like "tell me something about yourself" and "what makes you happy". I hate generic questions like that. What do you want to know? I am not at a fucking interview, okay? I don't want to tell you that my biggest weakness is that I am a perfectionist. Can't we just hang out and get to know each other rather than putting me in the spot light to market myself?
Despite the annoyance, he's a nice guy. Talkative, and well-informed. We found some common interests. We talked about religion, politics, and past relationships. We do share similar world views.
He's a single dad raising a few teenage kids, and that puts me off a little. If I were too jealous of Dr. TGIASE's job, I am certainly going to be too jealous of Daddy's darlings. He's not going to have much time to hang with me. I don't know. I think he's better off with a mother, someone who can understand him better.
After the date he texted me everyday, asking questions, again, such as "what tickles you" and "are you in the field of your choice". I finally got so fed up that I told him I am annoyed that I felt like I am being interviewed. I told him he needs to ask more specific questions such as if I like flowers. I may have been a little abrasive...
I am not seeing a future with this guy. But hey if I am bored and he has a moment of free time, I don't mind hanging again, as long as I don't have to answer these generic questions again.
What I learned: how to be a Marine and not fight battles.
I actually thought Daddy was another guy, the Tall Asian Guy, I was going to meet. This Tall Asian Guy boasted that he's a foodie. For whatever reason I got Tall Asian Guy and Daddy mixed up. When I got a text from Daddy, I just assumed he's Tall Asian Guy. I suggested some Ethiopian restaurants because that's what we talked about through messaging. The guy texted back to suggest we meet at an AppleBee that's close to his work. I thought to myself: are you serious? I suggested another joint that I at least want to eat at, and he agreed. I don't normally date Asian guys anyway, and given the mis-understanding that this so-called "foodie" wanting to meet at AppleBee, I was fairly "meh" about the date. I'd rather go run, but I'd already said I'd go, so maybe at least I get to try this joint.
Communication styles. I need to know the end point. For example, I need to know when/where to meet, and if others are going to be late, I just need to know that 1) we are still going to meet, and 2) the new estimate of time. Once I know that, I don't need a play by play real time update as to where you are. I trust you. Stop bothering me. Daddy was running late, and once we established the new time, he called me like 5 times, informing me that he's at this intersection, at that intersection, entering the parking lot, etc. I got so annoyed. If you are going to be late, can't you at least let me wait in peace? I guess most women probably want their boyfriends to keep them entertained, e.g. talking to them while they wait. No, I can entertain myself just fine, thank you very much.
When he showed up I was shocked that this isn't the Tall Asian Guy I was expecting. Oh well. At least that explained the AppleBee. He paid for dinner which was quite cheap, so I am okay with that. He's fairly good looking. He kept asking me questions like "tell me something about yourself" and "what makes you happy". I hate generic questions like that. What do you want to know? I am not at a fucking interview, okay? I don't want to tell you that my biggest weakness is that I am a perfectionist. Can't we just hang out and get to know each other rather than putting me in the spot light to market myself?
Despite the annoyance, he's a nice guy. Talkative, and well-informed. We found some common interests. We talked about religion, politics, and past relationships. We do share similar world views.
He's a single dad raising a few teenage kids, and that puts me off a little. If I were too jealous of Dr. TGIASE's job, I am certainly going to be too jealous of Daddy's darlings. He's not going to have much time to hang with me. I don't know. I think he's better off with a mother, someone who can understand him better.
After the date he texted me everyday, asking questions, again, such as "what tickles you" and "are you in the field of your choice". I finally got so fed up that I told him I am annoyed that I felt like I am being interviewed. I told him he needs to ask more specific questions such as if I like flowers. I may have been a little abrasive...
I am not seeing a future with this guy. But hey if I am bored and he has a moment of free time, I don't mind hanging again, as long as I don't have to answer these generic questions again.
What I learned: how to be a Marine and not fight battles.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Pretty Boy
Pretty Boy is a good looking man with beautiful blue eyes, and he knows it. He has this laugh that annoys me a little. We met up for brunch at a trendy restaurant. Conversation was good. He is opinionated. We talked about everything from trophy wives to dating to Mormons. He asked me if I were dating a lot. As I answered I realized that I really am not that enthusiastic about dating right now. It's a muscle that I need to exercise on a consistent base, but I am really not into meeting someone soul-shaking at the moment. My soul needs to fully recover from Dr. TGIASE.
I realized that I really need to work on my flirting skills. If I want to date guys who don't come onto me as strongly as Dr. TGIASE, I need to flirt with them more to up their interests. After all, sex is on their minds, and it is on mine, too. I need to shred the "buddy" coat and put on the "hot date" coat. But when there isn't much chemistry, it's just so much more work to get the flirting in. I have to first talk myself into "feeling it", then to actually do it. It's so much easier to just sit back and relax and not care.
No, I must exercise the flirting muscle as well. Use these dates as practices. Get my routine down...
What I learned: University of Spoiled Children and University of Spoiled Daughters.
I realized that I really need to work on my flirting skills. If I want to date guys who don't come onto me as strongly as Dr. TGIASE, I need to flirt with them more to up their interests. After all, sex is on their minds, and it is on mine, too. I need to shred the "buddy" coat and put on the "hot date" coat. But when there isn't much chemistry, it's just so much more work to get the flirting in. I have to first talk myself into "feeling it", then to actually do it. It's so much easier to just sit back and relax and not care.
No, I must exercise the flirting muscle as well. Use these dates as practices. Get my routine down...
What I learned: University of Spoiled Children and University of Spoiled Daughters.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Outdoor Man
Outdoor Man is tall and much more good looking than the pictures lead me to believe. We had lunch at a cute little restaurant. The conversation started out mostly chit chat about his recent trip. I was talking to several guys on the phone so I got some details confused. But he was nice enough to not make a big deal about it. Then we talked about marriage and whether or not we want children. He stroke me as one who has commitment issues. He's never been married, and he considered buying a house being "tied down". He doesn't read and like to watch TV. In general, he wasn't very intellectually stimulating, but it was easy being with him. I didn't feel much chemistry, but I didn't dislike him. After the crash a burn relationship I had with Dr. TGIASE, I am experimenting with slow dating movement. Let's just hang out a few more times.
I don't know if he can deal with my work schedule. He's asked to get a second date in so let's see.
What I learned: Canyon shoes.
I don't know if he can deal with my work schedule. He's asked to get a second date in so let's see.
What I learned: Canyon shoes.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Phone Calls
I've been talking to a few guys one the phone.
Outdoor Man isn't that good looking. He's into the outdoors, works at a 9-5 office job, and seem talkative enough to keep me on the phone for a couple times. I remember reading his profile that he's allergic to cats, and he has a bird. Well. We will see.
Biotech Guy is pretty good looking. In fact, I was very eager to correspond with him after reading his profile. We messaged a couple times, then he checked my profile, then didn't respond for a few days. Finally we exchanged phone numbers, and we talked on the phone once. I cracked a few sarcastic comments and he didn't respond to the humor. He likes to counter my statements, that is, all statements, with "well" then the opposite of what I just said. The conversation died pretty quickly. I was kind of put off by his, well, I am not sure what it is. Arrogance? Lack of sense of humor?
Homophobe messaged me to hang out. No name, no phone number, just the place. I played along and said yes. But who would schedule a "date" or meetup without exchanging phone numbers and names? My rule, though, is that I won't give out my name or number until the guy gives it up first. Safety. I didn't go on our supposed date. Turned out he didn't either. I used the excuse of not remembering to change the clock. He said he couldn't find the place. Seriously. Finally we exchanged name and number, and we talked on the phone once. He sells insurance. I am always put off by anyone in Sales or even Marketing. I guess I am scarred for life by the sales people I work with. But an insurance sales? That turned me off quicker than dropping a ton of ice on me. I held my tongue. Give the guy a chance. There's got to be some insurance sales who are also decent intelligent human being. But he wasn't one. He made homophobic comments, generalizes, and not in funny ways.
I realized that having a good paying job isn't attractive to me. I find them boring as if they have no ambition. I am attracted to entrepreneurs - regardless if they are or have the potential to be successful - like my asshole ex-boyfriend, or people who has changed careers like Dr. TGIASE. However, I myself is one with a good paying job. Even though my job isn't traditional, I am still, nonetheless, just working. If I applied the same standards to myself, I wouldn't be attracted to me.
I also realized that as much as I love those deep intellectual conversations I had with Dr. TGIASE, they tired me after a while. It's a huge turn on in the beginning, but a few months in I just want to be a normal couple doing boring couple things, and have those deep intellectual conversations once in a while. Dr. TGIASE continued to have those conversations, with or without me, and it made me very tired, constantly wondering if I am intellectually challenging enough for him.
Well dates are lined up. I don't feel anything remotely close to how I felt about Dr. TGIASE after our messages and few phone calls. I don't expect to feel remotely close to how I felt about Dr. TGIASE after our first date.
Outdoor Man isn't that good looking. He's into the outdoors, works at a 9-5 office job, and seem talkative enough to keep me on the phone for a couple times. I remember reading his profile that he's allergic to cats, and he has a bird. Well. We will see.
Biotech Guy is pretty good looking. In fact, I was very eager to correspond with him after reading his profile. We messaged a couple times, then he checked my profile, then didn't respond for a few days. Finally we exchanged phone numbers, and we talked on the phone once. I cracked a few sarcastic comments and he didn't respond to the humor. He likes to counter my statements, that is, all statements, with "well" then the opposite of what I just said. The conversation died pretty quickly. I was kind of put off by his, well, I am not sure what it is. Arrogance? Lack of sense of humor?
Homophobe messaged me to hang out. No name, no phone number, just the place. I played along and said yes. But who would schedule a "date" or meetup without exchanging phone numbers and names? My rule, though, is that I won't give out my name or number until the guy gives it up first. Safety. I didn't go on our supposed date. Turned out he didn't either. I used the excuse of not remembering to change the clock. He said he couldn't find the place. Seriously. Finally we exchanged name and number, and we talked on the phone once. He sells insurance. I am always put off by anyone in Sales or even Marketing. I guess I am scarred for life by the sales people I work with. But an insurance sales? That turned me off quicker than dropping a ton of ice on me. I held my tongue. Give the guy a chance. There's got to be some insurance sales who are also decent intelligent human being. But he wasn't one. He made homophobic comments, generalizes, and not in funny ways.
I realized that having a good paying job isn't attractive to me. I find them boring as if they have no ambition. I am attracted to entrepreneurs - regardless if they are or have the potential to be successful - like my asshole ex-boyfriend, or people who has changed careers like Dr. TGIASE. However, I myself is one with a good paying job. Even though my job isn't traditional, I am still, nonetheless, just working. If I applied the same standards to myself, I wouldn't be attracted to me.
I also realized that as much as I love those deep intellectual conversations I had with Dr. TGIASE, they tired me after a while. It's a huge turn on in the beginning, but a few months in I just want to be a normal couple doing boring couple things, and have those deep intellectual conversations once in a while. Dr. TGIASE continued to have those conversations, with or without me, and it made me very tired, constantly wondering if I am intellectually challenging enough for him.
Well dates are lined up. I don't feel anything remotely close to how I felt about Dr. TGIASE after our messages and few phone calls. I don't expect to feel remotely close to how I felt about Dr. TGIASE after our first date.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
The Climber
I met The Climber on the free internet dating site. Online communication was ordinary. He called me once, and he's really quiet. I can't handle a guy who can't initiate conversations. We went to dinner at a restaurant of his choice. Something is creepy about this guy: he stares, and he doesn't blink. At least I haven't caught him blinking once. He will just stare at me while I talk. It made me very uncomfortable. He's very quiet in person, too. I asked him what he likes to do besides work and climbing. He said that's pretty much all he does. The reason? If you want to get good at something you have to devote time to it. I know that's true. But why do I find him utterly boring?
I don't even know if these bad dates are due to my still hung up on Dr. TGIASE, or these are just genuinely not good matches. I was cleaning out my voicemail inbox today, and I was reminded of the three months of depressing dating before I met Dr. TGIASE. I met tons of people at parties and online, but none of them felt good. What about Dr. TGIASE that made me fall head over heel for him?
Well if I want to meet another great guy, I will just have to endure another long season of bad dates until that one comes by. You never know. The night before I first talked to Dr. TGIASE on the phone I didn't know I was going to be very happy for four months. Perseverance.
The Climber paid for dinner. I had a feeling the date would be bad, but I wanted to do something tonight, and I wanted a free meal. I no longer feel bad about having a guy pay for dinner on the first date. If I have to go through these bad dates, at the very least I should get some free food out of them. I invited The Climber to a pub where they serve a beer I wanted to try for a long time. In part I wanted to at least buy him a beer. He seemed hesitant. Then at the last minute before we went to our cars he said it's kind of late. I was sort of relieved. We hugged, and he said I should call him if I want to climb. Well that works.
What I learned: the defense contract industry isn't doing well at all.
I don't even know if these bad dates are due to my still hung up on Dr. TGIASE, or these are just genuinely not good matches. I was cleaning out my voicemail inbox today, and I was reminded of the three months of depressing dating before I met Dr. TGIASE. I met tons of people at parties and online, but none of them felt good. What about Dr. TGIASE that made me fall head over heel for him?
Well if I want to meet another great guy, I will just have to endure another long season of bad dates until that one comes by. You never know. The night before I first talked to Dr. TGIASE on the phone I didn't know I was going to be very happy for four months. Perseverance.
The Climber paid for dinner. I had a feeling the date would be bad, but I wanted to do something tonight, and I wanted a free meal. I no longer feel bad about having a guy pay for dinner on the first date. If I have to go through these bad dates, at the very least I should get some free food out of them. I invited The Climber to a pub where they serve a beer I wanted to try for a long time. In part I wanted to at least buy him a beer. He seemed hesitant. Then at the last minute before we went to our cars he said it's kind of late. I was sort of relieved. We hugged, and he said I should call him if I want to climb. Well that works.
What I learned: the defense contract industry isn't doing well at all.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Real Doc
Real Doc texted me a couple days later. We went on a second date. Despite the fact that we share a lot of values, I wasn't attracted to him. There just wasn't much chemistry. On top of that, he's not really a good kisser.
This is when I realized that I have become "picky". Dating experts would tell you that there is a difference between being "picky" and being "discriminative". Being "picky" is if you will only date guys of certain profession, of certain looks/heights, have certain "status". Being "discriminative" is if you will only date guys of certain qualities such as good characters, shared values, and sense of humor.
But where does chemistry fall? How important is chemistry? After a while, doesn't chemistry just die out anyway? I am not sure if chemistry is just lust.
After dates like this I get very depressed. I especially missed Dr. TGIASE after these dates. Dr. TGIASE and I had chemistry. We shared values. He made me laugh. I had so much fun with him. And most importantly, he's a really good man.
Then I thought about all the happy couples I know. Friend A's boyfriend is always super busy, but he would text her while he's in the bathroom just to tell her that he misses her in a 14-hour work day. Friend B's boyfriend planned and bought all the tickets for their visits before he moved away for a while. Friend C's husband knows Friend C gets anxious when he doesn't call, and he understands if Friend C had to call his friends to get in touch with him. Friend D will call his wife when he gets a minute break just to tell her how beautiful she is. I doubt any of the happy couple ever acted out this "I am too busy for you" moment.
Dating is depressing. Especially when I realized the same guys who had contacted me a few months ago are still online and looking at my profile again. I wish I were the girl who could tolerate the emotions elicited by Dr. TGIASE's lack of response/attention. I wish I were much more secured. But I am not. That makes Dr. TGIASE and a I a bad match. I am sad that I had to let go of such a great guy. I imagine there will be a guy out there who won't be too busy for me, who won't leave me hanging, wondering what's going on.
As far as Real Doc goes, I would go on more dates with him if he asks. I am trying to see if chemistry is overrated.
What I learned: In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always win - not through strength but by perseverance. H. Jackson Brown.
This is when I realized that I have become "picky". Dating experts would tell you that there is a difference between being "picky" and being "discriminative". Being "picky" is if you will only date guys of certain profession, of certain looks/heights, have certain "status". Being "discriminative" is if you will only date guys of certain qualities such as good characters, shared values, and sense of humor.
But where does chemistry fall? How important is chemistry? After a while, doesn't chemistry just die out anyway? I am not sure if chemistry is just lust.
After dates like this I get very depressed. I especially missed Dr. TGIASE after these dates. Dr. TGIASE and I had chemistry. We shared values. He made me laugh. I had so much fun with him. And most importantly, he's a really good man.
Then I thought about all the happy couples I know. Friend A's boyfriend is always super busy, but he would text her while he's in the bathroom just to tell her that he misses her in a 14-hour work day. Friend B's boyfriend planned and bought all the tickets for their visits before he moved away for a while. Friend C's husband knows Friend C gets anxious when he doesn't call, and he understands if Friend C had to call his friends to get in touch with him. Friend D will call his wife when he gets a minute break just to tell her how beautiful she is. I doubt any of the happy couple ever acted out this "I am too busy for you" moment.
Dating is depressing. Especially when I realized the same guys who had contacted me a few months ago are still online and looking at my profile again. I wish I were the girl who could tolerate the emotions elicited by Dr. TGIASE's lack of response/attention. I wish I were much more secured. But I am not. That makes Dr. TGIASE and a I a bad match. I am sad that I had to let go of such a great guy. I imagine there will be a guy out there who won't be too busy for me, who won't leave me hanging, wondering what's going on.
As far as Real Doc goes, I would go on more dates with him if he asks. I am trying to see if chemistry is overrated.
What I learned: In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always win - not through strength but by perseverance. H. Jackson Brown.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Real Doc
I met Real Doc in the free internet dating site. I actually messaged him first, and he replied just as Dr. TGIASE and I became exclusive. I told Real Doc that I started seeing someone and couldn't go on dates anymore. Five months later, he was still on the dating site. I messaged him again, and we met up.
He's a very good looking man. Skinny, slightly taller than I am. I call him a Real Doc because he actually has MD behind his name, and is done with his residency. Real Doc is a year younger than I am. I have no problem with a guy who's just a year younger, but Real Doc, being a doctor, quite handsome, may want some 20-something girls.
The date was fine. We talked. He was surprised how much I know about the medical field. I didn't tell him I'd just dated a med student. I knew a lot of that stuff before Dr. TGIASE anyway. Most of the time we were sitting face to face. At the end we were sitting next to each other, and we started facing each other and quite close, then he sort of moved back. Oh well. Who knows if he sensed something in me. At the end of the date he told me I was interesting, and he had a really good time "hanging out", and he'd like to "hang out" again. No kiss, but he gave me a pretty good hug.
The only thing I learned from my 3+ years of dating in San Diego is that nothing means anything. The dating scene is about a million times more difficult to predict than the stock market. Yet there are still dating experts out there predicting it, just as many financial experts out there are. We will just see if we will hear from Real Doc again, and if he'd like to *just* hang out.
What I learned: bird watching, and Texas may have some value after all.
He's a very good looking man. Skinny, slightly taller than I am. I call him a Real Doc because he actually has MD behind his name, and is done with his residency. Real Doc is a year younger than I am. I have no problem with a guy who's just a year younger, but Real Doc, being a doctor, quite handsome, may want some 20-something girls.
The date was fine. We talked. He was surprised how much I know about the medical field. I didn't tell him I'd just dated a med student. I knew a lot of that stuff before Dr. TGIASE anyway. Most of the time we were sitting face to face. At the end we were sitting next to each other, and we started facing each other and quite close, then he sort of moved back. Oh well. Who knows if he sensed something in me. At the end of the date he told me I was interesting, and he had a really good time "hanging out", and he'd like to "hang out" again. No kiss, but he gave me a pretty good hug.
The only thing I learned from my 3+ years of dating in San Diego is that nothing means anything. The dating scene is about a million times more difficult to predict than the stock market. Yet there are still dating experts out there predicting it, just as many financial experts out there are. We will just see if we will hear from Real Doc again, and if he'd like to *just* hang out.
What I learned: bird watching, and Texas may have some value after all.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Double Bird
I met Double Bird at a party back in Jan. Somehow he got my number and has been texting me. I ignored him for a while, but when things fell apart with Dr. TGIASE, I got in touch with him. I made it very clear that sex is the only thing I am after. Why do I call him Double Bird? He's half African American and half Native American. I am a checklist kind of person, so now I can check off both races in one night.
What I learned: what they say about a black guy is true. Very true. Also, who Kimbo Slice is.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Recovery Day 3: My Apology
I haven't heard a beep from Dr. TGIASE since the email I sent to him. No return email, no return phone call.
Today I mostly thought about the happy times we had together. On one hand I really wish we would have worked out because I rarely meet someone who is intelligent, has such good sense of humor, good in bed, has a career, and loves the outside. On the other hand, with our communication styles we would have never worked in the long run.
I still feel terrible about sort of breaking up via email despite the circumstances I was in. I did try to call to make amend but he won't respond. If I ever run into Dr. TGIASE, I feel that I can't even look him in the eyes because of how I broke it off. I decided I want to apologize to him, just for that. This is mainly for my own sake. It's my closure to myself. There may be a secret fantasy that he will respond and give me another chance. But if I know the Dr. TGIASE I know, he's never going to respond.
Since phone calls and emails didn't work, I decided on a text. He can delete my voicemail without listening to them. He can delete my emails without reading them. I know that's what he will do. But maybe a text will at least get him to read the first sentence. I sent him a text to apologize for sending the emails. I should have waited for an opportunity to resolve the problem. I told him I had a wonderful time with him, and wished him luck with school and work.
As expected, no response. Oh well. My part is done.
This song perfectly summarizes my feelings:
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
May the universe send me another guy who is intelligent, has a good sense of humor, good in bed, has a career, and loves the outside. On top of that, please make this guy without ADHD and have communication styles that are complement to mine. Oh, most importantly, please make him love me and make me love him.
Today I mostly thought about the happy times we had together. On one hand I really wish we would have worked out because I rarely meet someone who is intelligent, has such good sense of humor, good in bed, has a career, and loves the outside. On the other hand, with our communication styles we would have never worked in the long run.
I still feel terrible about sort of breaking up via email despite the circumstances I was in. I did try to call to make amend but he won't respond. If I ever run into Dr. TGIASE, I feel that I can't even look him in the eyes because of how I broke it off. I decided I want to apologize to him, just for that. This is mainly for my own sake. It's my closure to myself. There may be a secret fantasy that he will respond and give me another chance. But if I know the Dr. TGIASE I know, he's never going to respond.
Since phone calls and emails didn't work, I decided on a text. He can delete my voicemail without listening to them. He can delete my emails without reading them. I know that's what he will do. But maybe a text will at least get him to read the first sentence. I sent him a text to apologize for sending the emails. I should have waited for an opportunity to resolve the problem. I told him I had a wonderful time with him, and wished him luck with school and work.
As expected, no response. Oh well. My part is done.
This song perfectly summarizes my feelings:
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
May the universe send me another guy who is intelligent, has a good sense of humor, good in bed, has a career, and loves the outside. On top of that, please make this guy without ADHD and have communication styles that are complement to mine. Oh, most importantly, please make him love me and make me love him.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Relationship between an ADHD and a non-ADHD partner
Against my better judgement, I went to visit Dr. TGIASE in his new city. Dr. TGIASE actually forgot about my trip, but I learned to not take that personally, so I just reminded him. After the emotional weekend I wasn't sure if I wanted to visit him, mostly because I didn't want to ruin my long-awaited vacation. I was so angry with Dr. TGIASE that I worried I may break up with him, and get all sad for the vacation.
The night before the trip I told myself that if he didn't call that night I wouldn't go. He did call, albeit briefly when he's on his way to a friend's house. We talked for 5 minutes and hung up because he had to go. I called him right back and left him a voicemail - this is typical: he can always reach me, but I can never reach him. I told him that I barely had enough time to get all the errands done after my trip and before the second one, and this visit just felt a bit rushed. He called back, and I repeated myself. He then said he was looking forward to seeing me. I wanted to hear that; I wanted to feel that. I wish he would tell or show me that without me threatening to not visit him. But he said he'd understand if I have to postpone it, and I told him I'd see how much I get done the next day before my flight.
I wanted to go up and fuck the brain out of him. I wanted to see him. I miss him. But at the same time I was so angry with him. So I decided that I would go up and have a good time, and push the issue till later. My therapist told me that I should give myself permission to not think about this during the my vacation. Just put the thoughts in a box. Easier said than done.
He picked me up and we had dinner. I was a little tense, but we had fun. At night he said he didn't want his roommate to hear us, so we couldn't have sex. Then at 1am he woke me up and told me that he's freaking out because me being in his room made him feel claustrophobic. He wanted to sleep on the couch and didn't want me to wake up and not see him. I don't think Dr. TGIASE even realize how much things have changed, on his end, since he moved. He slept on the couch for a few hours and came back to bed. Of course he's so tired that we didn't have sex.
Then I remember that when I told him I was going to visit him he asked me where I'd stay. I said "your room" and he responded "well it's a little small". I guess he didn't want to hurt my feelings by asking me to get a hotel room since I already bought to ticket to visit him. I asked him that the next morning, and he said maybe we should get a hotel room. Seriously. He moved away; I bought tickets to visit him; I paid for a hotel room. Am I that desperate for him? I mean, I don't think I've been in this situation before, but I have heard that boyfriends don't usually make their girlfriends pay for tickets and hotels to visit them after they moved.
I spent the next day on my own. He told me I should pick him up at work (I was using his car) at 5:30. I got there at 5:00 and went to a coffee shop. He then texted me that he doesn't know when he can leave work. I started to feel a little rejected. I came to visit you, booked a hotel for the night, and you couldn't get off work early to hang with me??
Then I started reading this book "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" (www.adhdmarriage.com). I suspected that Dr. TGIASE may have ADHD so I thought what the hell. Here is an excerpt:
"One of the most common misinterpretations is feeling as if an ADHD spouse doesn't love his partner anymore because he isn't paying attention to her.
Take Maria. After five years of marriage, she wondered, 'why did I ever bother to get married? He doesn't even know I exist anymore!' During their courtship, Dan had been completely focused on her. But now she felt abandoned and ashamed that she no longer attracted her husband. She tried more and more desperately to get him to notice her. She stared with sexier lingerie and new clothes, but that worked only for a while. She tried planning dates and sending cards, but he still didn't pay much attention. Frustrated, she turned to yelling at him, berating him, and demanding attention. Though this in-your-face approach forced Dan to pay attention in the short term, it drove him farther away over time. He took to retreating to his computer almost as soon as he came home, widening the distance between them. Because she was expressing herself so loudly, and he wasn't responding, Maria's resentment turned into full-blown anger."
I had an "aha" moment. That's exactly how I felt. Although I didn't make it to marriage. It was only after 4 months of dating I got to this part. The book went on to explain why this happens, and other bad patterns that can develop in a relationship between an ADHD and a non-ADHD partner. It made a lot of sense to me, but it also got scarier. I've only tasted the "being ignored" part of ADHD, but there are other parts that can actually physically hurt someone.
The change of my mindset made me realized that Dr. TGIASE didn't intentionally plan to work late. He just didn't plan. In that moment I let go of the resentment and just waited. It may just be my own perception, but I felt much closer to him, and he almost returned to that fun and attentive Dr. TGIASE I felt in love with.
The next day he dropped me off the airport. I told him I'd call him from my trip, and he told me not to get paranoid if he doesn't respond right away due to the time difference. He hugged me and said: "I moved away, but we are still ok. You see?"
I guess?
The night before the trip I told myself that if he didn't call that night I wouldn't go. He did call, albeit briefly when he's on his way to a friend's house. We talked for 5 minutes and hung up because he had to go. I called him right back and left him a voicemail - this is typical: he can always reach me, but I can never reach him. I told him that I barely had enough time to get all the errands done after my trip and before the second one, and this visit just felt a bit rushed. He called back, and I repeated myself. He then said he was looking forward to seeing me. I wanted to hear that; I wanted to feel that. I wish he would tell or show me that without me threatening to not visit him. But he said he'd understand if I have to postpone it, and I told him I'd see how much I get done the next day before my flight.
I wanted to go up and fuck the brain out of him. I wanted to see him. I miss him. But at the same time I was so angry with him. So I decided that I would go up and have a good time, and push the issue till later. My therapist told me that I should give myself permission to not think about this during the my vacation. Just put the thoughts in a box. Easier said than done.
He picked me up and we had dinner. I was a little tense, but we had fun. At night he said he didn't want his roommate to hear us, so we couldn't have sex. Then at 1am he woke me up and told me that he's freaking out because me being in his room made him feel claustrophobic. He wanted to sleep on the couch and didn't want me to wake up and not see him. I don't think Dr. TGIASE even realize how much things have changed, on his end, since he moved. He slept on the couch for a few hours and came back to bed. Of course he's so tired that we didn't have sex.
Then I remember that when I told him I was going to visit him he asked me where I'd stay. I said "your room" and he responded "well it's a little small". I guess he didn't want to hurt my feelings by asking me to get a hotel room since I already bought to ticket to visit him. I asked him that the next morning, and he said maybe we should get a hotel room. Seriously. He moved away; I bought tickets to visit him; I paid for a hotel room. Am I that desperate for him? I mean, I don't think I've been in this situation before, but I have heard that boyfriends don't usually make their girlfriends pay for tickets and hotels to visit them after they moved.
I spent the next day on my own. He told me I should pick him up at work (I was using his car) at 5:30. I got there at 5:00 and went to a coffee shop. He then texted me that he doesn't know when he can leave work. I started to feel a little rejected. I came to visit you, booked a hotel for the night, and you couldn't get off work early to hang with me??
Then I started reading this book "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" (www.adhdmarriage.com). I suspected that Dr. TGIASE may have ADHD so I thought what the hell. Here is an excerpt:
"One of the most common misinterpretations is feeling as if an ADHD spouse doesn't love his partner anymore because he isn't paying attention to her.
Take Maria. After five years of marriage, she wondered, 'why did I ever bother to get married? He doesn't even know I exist anymore!' During their courtship, Dan had been completely focused on her. But now she felt abandoned and ashamed that she no longer attracted her husband. She tried more and more desperately to get him to notice her. She stared with sexier lingerie and new clothes, but that worked only for a while. She tried planning dates and sending cards, but he still didn't pay much attention. Frustrated, she turned to yelling at him, berating him, and demanding attention. Though this in-your-face approach forced Dan to pay attention in the short term, it drove him farther away over time. He took to retreating to his computer almost as soon as he came home, widening the distance between them. Because she was expressing herself so loudly, and he wasn't responding, Maria's resentment turned into full-blown anger."
I had an "aha" moment. That's exactly how I felt. Although I didn't make it to marriage. It was only after 4 months of dating I got to this part. The book went on to explain why this happens, and other bad patterns that can develop in a relationship between an ADHD and a non-ADHD partner. It made a lot of sense to me, but it also got scarier. I've only tasted the "being ignored" part of ADHD, but there are other parts that can actually physically hurt someone.
The change of my mindset made me realized that Dr. TGIASE didn't intentionally plan to work late. He just didn't plan. In that moment I let go of the resentment and just waited. It may just be my own perception, but I felt much closer to him, and he almost returned to that fun and attentive Dr. TGIASE I felt in love with.
The next day he dropped me off the airport. I told him I'd call him from my trip, and he told me not to get paranoid if he doesn't respond right away due to the time difference. He hugged me and said: "I moved away, but we are still ok. You see?"
I guess?
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Valentine's Day and four months
Since I am not in town for the official Valentine's day, Dr. TGIASE and I celebrated Valentine's day early. It's been a full 4 months! Dr. TGIASE came to my place with a suit on which makes him super hot. He brought flowers, then took me to a nice ocean-front restaurant where we had a nice dinner. The gentleman paid. Then he took me to the beach told me that having someone he respected who liked him back is something he hadn't had for a while. He then gave me a Valentine's day card, pointed to the card that says "you have my heart", looked me in my eyes and said: "I can't buy you a diamond ring yet, but..." God damn. The man who told me he should propose to me on our first date is, um, hinting that he may think about marrying me??? We went home and he had brought me a box of candles because I said I wanted candles on Valentine's day. He arranged them in a heart shape. Awe.
I wrote this down because I want to come back and remember two things:
1) He took time out of his crazy busy pre-move days to celebrate this with me. It wasn't a huge scene, but he planed a romantic time with me.
2) I could tell that he's distracted, but he tried to tell me nice things. Remember that if he thinks about me 15% of his time, I should be happy. He's a man who will be distracted by life, but he makes a point to celebrate a special time with me.
What about the ups and downs? Well, we are really learning about each other. More so, I am learning a lot about myself, too. Specifically how my own neurosis can get in the way. I hope my first insecure reaction can be lessened over time, and I learn to handle my insecurity well.
Most importantly, doctors' partners are saints. Lots of people want to marry doctors, but only a few can handle being doctors' partners. I still am not sure if I have what it takes.
I wrote this down because I want to come back and remember two things:
1) He took time out of his crazy busy pre-move days to celebrate this with me. It wasn't a huge scene, but he planed a romantic time with me.
2) I could tell that he's distracted, but he tried to tell me nice things. Remember that if he thinks about me 15% of his time, I should be happy. He's a man who will be distracted by life, but he makes a point to celebrate a special time with me.
What about the ups and downs? Well, we are really learning about each other. More so, I am learning a lot about myself, too. Specifically how my own neurosis can get in the way. I hope my first insecure reaction can be lessened over time, and I learn to handle my insecurity well.
Most importantly, doctors' partners are saints. Lots of people want to marry doctors, but only a few can handle being doctors' partners. I still am not sure if I have what it takes.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Searching for the perfect man
I have come to the conclusion that the way Dr. TGIASE disrespected my feelings and the way he shuts me out of his life was completely unacceptable. He is a partner who says "here is the boat. I am on it. You are either on or off." I want a partner who says "here is a boat. Let us decide if we want to be on it together."
That said, I started thinking about all the relationships/marriages I know. How many of them are true partnerships where both are best of friends while utterly compatible in life? How many are just results of comprise after comprise? Modern women ask a lot in a man. We want our best friend in a partner; we want him to be the father of our children; we want him to be the provider for the family; we want him to share the household work; we want him to satisfy us sexually all around; we want him to provide emotional support; we want to be connected with him on every level.
Is that realistic? I sometimes think that's the difference between women in satisfactory relationships and women who are, like myself, single after certain ages. We ask for the perfect man who can provide us satisfaction in every aspect of our lives. This could be done in our mother's time, or their mother's time, because back then there weren't that many aspects of women's lives. If he could bring the bacon and the children, women were content. If he supported women in any other way, he's a saint. But as women's lives are more enriched, they also need fulfillment on more levels. Is it, then, still realistic to expect a man to fulfill all our needs?
Dr. TGIASE can be a good provider. He can bring me children, on hopes. He definitely makes me happy in the sack. So he can't provide the emotional support I need. Can I live with that and seek the support somewhere else?
In terms of the life decision part. There is still the question of if this can be comprised eventually, or if this is a deal breaker.
I wonder when I look back at this post, if I would feel angry because I was making excuse to stay with him, or if I would feel gratitude because I made excuse to stay with him.
But one way or another, I have to decide soon. I don't want to break up when he starts med school again. It needs to be done so he has time to recover.
That said, I started thinking about all the relationships/marriages I know. How many of them are true partnerships where both are best of friends while utterly compatible in life? How many are just results of comprise after comprise? Modern women ask a lot in a man. We want our best friend in a partner; we want him to be the father of our children; we want him to be the provider for the family; we want him to share the household work; we want him to satisfy us sexually all around; we want him to provide emotional support; we want to be connected with him on every level.
Is that realistic? I sometimes think that's the difference between women in satisfactory relationships and women who are, like myself, single after certain ages. We ask for the perfect man who can provide us satisfaction in every aspect of our lives. This could be done in our mother's time, or their mother's time, because back then there weren't that many aspects of women's lives. If he could bring the bacon and the children, women were content. If he supported women in any other way, he's a saint. But as women's lives are more enriched, they also need fulfillment on more levels. Is it, then, still realistic to expect a man to fulfill all our needs?
Dr. TGIASE can be a good provider. He can bring me children, on hopes. He definitely makes me happy in the sack. So he can't provide the emotional support I need. Can I live with that and seek the support somewhere else?
In terms of the life decision part. There is still the question of if this can be comprised eventually, or if this is a deal breaker.
I wonder when I look back at this post, if I would feel angry because I was making excuse to stay with him, or if I would feel gratitude because I made excuse to stay with him.
But one way or another, I have to decide soon. I don't want to break up when he starts med school again. It needs to be done so he has time to recover.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Three Months
It's been three months since we started dating. We have survived two semi-long road trips. I get annoyed and paranoid from time to time, but that's about me not Dr. TGIASE. Things to look out for:
1. I should try to tone down the grossness competition. There's a point of grossness for a girl for the guy to think the girl is cool, and there's the point for the guy to think the girl is gross. I may have gone too far.
2. I should be more sensitive to the fact that Dr. TGIASE is a student. While I have no problem paying for stuff because I want him to go to cool places with me, he may rather stay home and not have to face either letting the girl pay or paying out of his non-money-making bank account.
3. I look at Dr. TGIASE and I feel that I love him. But are we fundamentally compatible? We have fairly different interests, but we do seem to have fairly similar world value. Can I take a compatibility test now so I don't go any further if there's big red flags?
4. And there is the question that's too early to ask in the relationship but may be too late to ask in life: will I be too old to have children by the time he's ready? When will he be ready? When he's done with med school? When he's done with residency? When he's done with fellowship? I am okay with no children, but he wants children. If by the time he's ready to have a child and I couldn't, will he leave me? We touched on the subject of adoption, and the impression I got was that he wanted his biological children. So when do I bring this topic up?
5. I've learned that Dr. TGIASE is a sweet tongue: he will say things to make me feel good but not necessarily live up to what he says. I should keep this in mind and keep my head cool so I don't fall head over heel onto my ass.
1. I should try to tone down the grossness competition. There's a point of grossness for a girl for the guy to think the girl is cool, and there's the point for the guy to think the girl is gross. I may have gone too far.
2. I should be more sensitive to the fact that Dr. TGIASE is a student. While I have no problem paying for stuff because I want him to go to cool places with me, he may rather stay home and not have to face either letting the girl pay or paying out of his non-money-making bank account.
3. I look at Dr. TGIASE and I feel that I love him. But are we fundamentally compatible? We have fairly different interests, but we do seem to have fairly similar world value. Can I take a compatibility test now so I don't go any further if there's big red flags?
4. And there is the question that's too early to ask in the relationship but may be too late to ask in life: will I be too old to have children by the time he's ready? When will he be ready? When he's done with med school? When he's done with residency? When he's done with fellowship? I am okay with no children, but he wants children. If by the time he's ready to have a child and I couldn't, will he leave me? We touched on the subject of adoption, and the impression I got was that he wanted his biological children. So when do I bring this topic up?
5. I've learned that Dr. TGIASE is a sweet tongue: he will say things to make me feel good but not necessarily live up to what he says. I should keep this in mind and keep my head cool so I don't fall head over heel onto my ass.
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