Mr. Adventures

Mr. Adventures kept asking me out. I kept avoiding him. This dance lasted a couple weeks. Finally Mr. Adventures asked me (via text): "The question is that do you want to see me again?" Straightforward, I like it!! So I wrote back exactly how I felt about him. His response? "Wow." I don't know what that means. Did I hurt his feelings? Well, people get their feelings hurt when dating. I am no exception. It's a risk one takes, so I can apologize, but it won't change anything. At the very least, I told him the truth instead of some BS, right?

He said if I do want to hang out again he'll be around. Then he changed his profile picture on the dating site to a rock climbing picture. How do I know? Because he kept looking at my profile about every other day. Oddly it's not creepy to me. But if all these couldn't balance the negative feelings I have towards him, nothing can. I will always think of Mr. Adventures fondly.

What I learned: he can be perfect but if there's no chemistry, there is no relationship.

No more communications.

The Money Man

I met The Money Man on the free internet dating site. He got married since he was 18; had a daughter; fell out of love; stayed in the marriage until the daughter turned 18; and recently divorced. Why did I want to meet him? In our emails he suggested that I read Ayn Rand. I've always wanted to read Ayn Rand. We may have the same entrepreneurial mind set?

The first time we scheduled a date I blew him off partly for Mr. Sparks. I felt kind of bad for giving only a 12-hour notice cancellation, but he was quite understanding and nice about it. He even followed up later to ask me out again. Persistence in men do pay off.

I went to Midway museum with him. It's my first time to visit the Midway so I was quite excited. He took charge to arrange the time, even informed me that it was 9/11 so there would be a mayoral speech. I like a man who takes care of things.

The first impression when I met him? Bitterness. It's odd because he didn't sound bitter through our emails or even phone conversations. But when I met him that's the first thing I thought about: man you must be really pissed off about something. Then I learned that his daughter was moving out of state to live with her mother and dropping out of college. Yes man you have it tough. I will be nice...

First "deal breaker"*: he just seem so miserable and bitter. I appreciate him coming on a date under such circumstances, but man I'd rather him stay home and kick the dog.

Second "deal breaker": he's quiet. I like a man who can talk because I am quiet, and I can only initiate conversations so many times in a set time frame.

Third "deal breaker": he wants to live in Fallbrook... Um, I grew up in a city of millions and millions of people where the night never ends, and my future with this man will be in Fallbrook? Sorry, that's just not me.

Fourth "deal breaker": I like a man who's conscious about money but not counting every penny. The first time he uttered money was when we saw this old radio the navy used to use. He said: "I bet this cost thousands of dollar." I thought to myself: okay, sure good observation. But these comments just keep on coming. Everything we saw and touched, he put a $ sign on it. I felt like I was in the 30Rock episode where Kenneth saw everything as muppets, Tracy saw everyone as himself, and Jack saw everything with a $ sign on it. Except The Money Man isn't nearly as hot as Jack...

I let him pay for some food after our visit but I kept wondering if his heart was breaking because he had to shell out $10 for me. He didn't act cheap during the date but I kept thinking the cheapness is going to come out of the closet one day.

After the date he politely walked me to my car. He contacted me once after the date but I just conveniently forgot to reply.

What I learned: where to buy a big planter box.

No more communication.

* These aren't actually my general deal breakers. I have a fairly short deal breakers list. But these are definitely breakers for this deal...

Mr. Shakespeare

I met Mr. Shakespeare at the aforementioned paid internet dating site. Mr. Shakespeare isn't a member, so we were rushing through the communication steps to obtain each other's contact. I usually don't have a problem with a guy not being a member. To me, the internet is just another channel where I meet guys. I find it easier to find guys to date on dating websites because, well, they are there to date. It takes the whole guessing work of "is he available" out of the questions.

A friend of mine consider guys who don't pay for subscription "too cheap to date". Some may be. But others may consider the cost and reward not proportional. For example, I've been on this paid dating website for a total of 9 months (with a break in the middle). I've only gotten maybe 3-5 dates. I've gotten way more dates on the free dating website. I am canceling my member soon. I don't blame the guys for not wanting to shell out $30 a month.

Anyway. Before I met Mr. Shakespeare we had a couple email exchange. I write like how I talk - very straight forward with very little pretense. He wrote like Shakespeare, in a bad way. I didn't feel romance or poety. Rather I felt pretenser. I mean, you can't just say "look forward to talking to you soon" instead of "look forward to continuing our correspondence"?? WTH?

But I met him anyway. Besides the writing style, he actually seemed like a decent intelligent guy. We met at a dessert place. I arrived early so I bought myself a cup of tea and a piece of dessert.

Mr. Shakespeare walked in, with a briefcase! It's Saturday, so I thought to myself: did he come from work? Why didn't he leave it in the car? Did he take a bus to work?

Well, actually, no he didn't come from work. The briefcase contains a book, some notes, and some music sheets "too precious to be left in the car". Honestly I was freaked out at the point. A guy who can't even risk leaving his briefcase in the car for a coffee date? What kind of life is that?

We talked for a long time. He was quite interesting. He does talk like he writes, analyzing every single word and trying to find the most suitable. The date ended with a hug.

The next day he emailed me and asked if I'd like to see him again. I said yes. Maybe those music sheets were hand-written by Mozart himself and leaving them in the car would not only be reckless but also disrespectful? So I suggested that we go on a hike in a famous state park in San Diego. I also suggested that we park at the City golf course parking lot and walk there.

The day before the hiking date he sent me an email saying that he'd rather park at the state park's parking lot, and that way he doesn't have to worry about his car being towed from the City golf course parking lot, and that he can contribute to the state park fund.

Okay. First, apparently those music sheets weren't Mozart's. Mr. Shakespeare is just paranoid. I had dealt with paranoia my entire life. Um. If you can't take a risk of leaving your car at a City golf course parking lot where half of the cars are parked by hikers, you won't be able to handle me. Because I would be the riskiest investment you will make, with the biggest return of course, but no less risky.

Secondly, I'd probably be okay if he had just flat out admit that he's paranoid. But the BS about wanting to contribute to the state park fund? Um, I sent the state park conservation fund a check. I am part of the Sierra Club. I contribute to the state park fund by actively doing so, not by parking at their parking lots once every decade. What's worse than being a pussy is that he's too pussy to admit he's a pussy.

So I sent back and email saying that my ankle hurts and probably should take a rain check. Hey if you can't be straight with me, I have no obligation to be straight with you. Mr. Shakespeare got the message and never contacted me again.

What I learned: political theories.

No more communication.

Mr. Sparks

During the blackout Mr. Sparks texted me to see if I was okay. We texted back and forth all night. It was great! Then poof I never hear from him again. I assume he died that night. It's not malicious or anything. If he did die, it's just the fact. If he didn't, I treat him as if he died anyway.

I felt a little sadness. After all, I sparked with this guy. But I now know that it's not my problem that he disappeared. In a relationship with two people, each of them bring a certain amount of shit in it. No one person can be blamed for a failed relationship. I've always known this in my head, but for the very first time I am actually able to live it. I also know that I can't control how he acts, but I can control how I act and I can find out what happened if I wanted to. I choose not to bother. It makes no difference this time.

I have grown up. Pat on back.

What I learned: well I still have his book that I've always wanted to read, so I consider this relationship a net gain.

No more communication.

Mr. Adventures

Mr. Adventures had been texting me since our first date like we've been dating for a while. Things like "I am at Target" or "This class is so boring". How do I respond to these texts? "Haha"? "Poor you"? Hello, I am NOT your girlfriend, yet.

I used to think that I don't need that instant chemistry to date someone. Now I know I do. I need to feel some "click" on the first date. I felt a very small "click" with Mr. Adventure, but I was just not attracted to him physically. It's strange. I've dated uglier guys, shorter guys, bigger guys. I couldn't quite figure out what is it with Mr. Adventures that I didn't like.

After my dating spree I decided to slow down a bit. It's much easier to spend the night at a climbing gym solving route problems than in a restaurant solving men problems. Most of my nights were occupied with activities so I decided to see Mr. Adventures during the day. Lunch and a movie.

I got to the restaurant first. As I watched Mr. Adventures walk in, I realize what it is that I didn't like about him: he doesn't smile. Like the Halley's comet, it comes around rarely and before you can even positively identify it, it's gone. As he walked in the restaurant all I could think about was that "man what was he pissed off about?" That set the mood. I was nervous the whole time.

Conversation was okay. Mr. Adventures really knows a lot of stuff, and he could fill in all the silence. I like that. But man he just look so pissed off... We went to see "The Debt" - an excellent movie by the way. The whole time I was nervous: what if he puts the moves on? What if he grabs my hand? What if he pulls me over? I made sure the armrest was in place, and set pretty rigidly for two hours.

Now I know what people mean when they say "that smile just makes my day". I am like a mirror. When my date looks cold and pissed off, I feel cold and pissed off. When my date looks cheerful and happy, I feel cheerful and happy.

Mr. Adventures had been pushing for another date. I'd been trying to tell him I'd like to take it slower. I'd also been trying to find a way of telling him that I need him to smile a little more often. Then I thought: what's the point? People don't really change. If I had asked him, he'd be all self-conscious. It comes down to whether or not I can get used to it. Right now the thought of seeing his pissed off face again gives me shudder.

And yes, I realize I've become one of those "picky" women. Here is a sweet, intelligent guy with a good job, and I am about to write him off because he doesn't smile often enough. They say after many years you don't remember the things people did, but you remember how they make you feel at the moment. Mr. Adventures does nice things, but even after a couple dates I can only remember him making me feel nervous (not the good kind), cold, and pissed off.

I am doomed.

What I learned: serial killers.

Third date: I need to recover before I can do that again.

Mr. Needy

One week after I asked Mr. Needy to back off, he asked him on a date. I set a date tentatively but cancelled  a couple hours later. I was dreading that second date. I should have just told him I wasn't interested right there, but I was trying to see if I would feel differently giving a little more time. I didn't. A week later he asked me out again. I was still dreading it. So I waited till the next day and sent him this text:

"After the past couple weeks I realize I am not interested in pursuing our relationship further. I wish you the very best luck."

Guy friends told me before that the only way a guy will stop bothering you is if they know you are not interested. No excuses such as "I am too busy right now". Just plain "not interested". 

This is what Mr. Needy replied:

"I was wondering why someone as attractive as you are having trouble with dating sites. Now I know why. Good bye."

Compared to old guys's response, no class and, well, needy. But I take responsibility for dragging it out for two weeks. I should have ended it two weeks ago. It wasn't to say his response two weeks ago would have been less needy and more classy, but at least I would have felt less responsible. Still, Mr. Needy, we have been on one fucking date, and you've been inconsiderate and needy since. I was giving you and myself a chance. I don't owe you a fucking thing. I have dates set up all throughout the weekend. I have no trouble with dating sites. The trouble I have is losers like you.

What I learned: once my "loser-o-meter" is tripped, I should end it immediately.

No more communication.

Mr. Sparks

So I had this Kayak coupon and decided I want to go Kayak in La Jolla Cove. Mr. Sparks challenged me on my fear of heights while climbing, so it's my turn to challenge Mr. Sparks on his fear of water. I know, I asked him to do something again. It's against the rules. But at this point he is more of a fun activity partner than anything else.

It was a choppy afternoon, bad for someone who's afraid of water and gets seasick. We took the tour and it was just the two of us and the guide. I liked it because it's a private tour, but Mr. Sparks got pretty queasy at the end. I was going to invite Mr. Sparks in to my place but seeing that he was about to barf, I let him go home and retain whatever dignity he had left. He was a good sport though. No whining about the weather, doing his best to get the most out.

So now the score isn't even: he asked me out once, and I asked him out twice. The ball is in his court. I am never going to ask him out again until he initiate. He's been texting me the last few nights. Oh the sparks.

He lent me a book so I know I'll see him at least one more time, however it's going to happen. I will then clarify our relationship: is he interested in just being friends/activity partners, or is he interested in dating? I ain't 25 anymore. Ain't no time to play games.

What I learned: the history of La Jolla Cove.

Fourth date: imminent but big question in place.

Old Guy

Old guy had asked me out during the week but I decided I'd rather go climbing instead. He then asked very nicely if I could set aside some time during the weekend. What can I say? He's such a proper gentleman. I told him I'd have dinner with him one night.

He gave me his address and asked him to meet him there. He lives in one of those nice condos in downtown. He came out to welcome me, skinny jeans and dress shirt with three buttons off. First thought: pimp?? He took me inside his condo. I was nervous. I had my hand on my phone the whole time just in case. After all, this is the second time I met this guy in my life. Although I trust my gut instinct, this sort of carelessness is what makes victims of serial killers. Maybe I am old fashion, but giving me a tour of his condo including the master bedroom and master bath seem like something you do right before you have sex, or after the relationship has been defined. It's not something you do on a second date. I was distracted by his motive and confused by his proper manner and enthusiasm. He spent quite a bit of his childhood in the U.K. Maybe this is the proper manner in Europe?

After the tour we went out for dinner. I was glad I didn't get raped or killed, and determined that I was never going back to that condo unless we are a couple. He took me to a nice Afghan restaurant where he seems to know the staffs. I wonder, do guys have a "spot" for their dates? I tend to go to places I've never been but wanted to try, but that's for the reason that I just want to try new places. For a girl, it's probably safe to have a "spot" for first few dates so someone can look after me. But for a guy, it seems more like a show off: look here is another girl I am bring in. Maybe they get a discount?

Dinner was fine. I realized he really looked old. To a passerby he could be my hip grandpa! Not only does he look old, we also don't seem to share the same interest and passion in life. That night I really missed my ex-boyfriend and how lively and good he still was at his "advanced" age. When the check came I offer to split it but he insisted on paying. After dinner he suggested cupcakes back to his place. We went in the cupcake place and I insisted paying and eating at the cupcake store. Sitting there he put his arm around me, and all I could think about is how to get out of going back to his condo. Turned out it was easy. I just told him I was tired and wanted to call it a night. At the car he kissed me on my lips. No tongues. I felt like I just kissed my grandpa. It's true, age isn't an issue until it's an issue...

The next day he texted me and asked if he could stop by my place and hang out. I politely told him that I enjoyed our dates but I wasn't interested in pursuing the relationship further. I wished him luck, and he politely wished me luck back.

All in all, not a bad ending.

What I learned: the downtown real estate value is slightly higher than what they were 15 years ago.

No more communication.

Mr. Adventures

I enjoy meeting people who have done more than I have. I don't like the spot light but am very good at shinning it on someone else. Mr. Adventures has done many things I had wanted to do: hike Mt. Whitney, scuba dive off Cuba, go on a submarine. This translates to many stories.

I met Mr. Adventures on the aforementioned free internet dating site. The messaging was short but frequent. There wasn't really any sparks. I met him at a small wine bar. For the first time when I started this dating life a man arrived before I did! But alas, I am not physically attracted to him at an instant. He's about my height if not shorter, muscular, and the face is pale. No, I like tall, skinny (not muscular), and darker Caucasians.

So I sat down, ordered a glass of wine, and thought "what the heck. I've never been to this wine bar so at the very least I get to try a new place in town." Do I have a good attitude or what? ;-P

We started talking. The beginning was a little slow. Mr. Adventures didn't smile much, and when he smiled I noticed the teeth: not very straight, not very white. So overall I am not physically attracted to him. But once the conversation started, I was able to get Mr. Adventures to recount all these interesting places he's been to and adventurous things he's done. He is very articulate and talkative with a little probing on my side. We also started talking about movies and shows, and we discovered that we have very similar tastes there. Little did I know an hour and a half had passed in the wine bar. He asked if I'd like to get dinner, and there's this new BBQ restaurant I wanted to try. One of the perks of going on so many dates is that I get to try all these new places and don't have to go alone. So I told him I'll get the check at the wine bar and he can pay for dinner. He agreed.

We went out to his car, which happens to be one of my dream cars - so he has good taste. He opened the door for me - good manners. Drove to the restaurant, ate, conversed for another hour. I had walked to the wine bar to meet him, so he drove me home, kissed me at the front door. He's a much better kisser than Mr. Needy.

I didn't laugh wholeheartedly all night. He didn't smile much so he's face was sort of intimidating. I was wondering if he's having a good time all night until he told me he was at the end. When I tell a joke I can tell if the other person truly find it funny or just laugh out of courtesy. With Mr. Sparks I felt that he laughed because he truly found me funny. With Mr. Adventures I felt that I had given my best but he only chuckled... I didn't feel those butterflies I felt with Mr. Sparks all night even when we kissed. When I got home he texted me right away and asked me out again. I didn't feel the pushiness as I felt from Mr. Needy. In fact, I felt much at ease with texting Mr. Adventures than texting Mr. Sparks.

I know the feeling with Mr. Sparks very well. I've always fallen for guys like that. I am not familiar with the feelings with Mr. Adventures. It's calm, even, easy, but no butterflies.

Assuming I had a choice, what do I choose?

Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same result. My sanity says I should go with Mr. Adventures because things haven't exactly worked out well with the likes of Mr. Sparks, and this time it will be no different.

Conversations with Mr. Sparks were based on our similar sense of humor and observations and likes and dislikes. Even if we ran out of stories to tell each other, I could continue to have conversations with Mr. Sparks for eternity. We invent stories. In short, I felt in sync with Mr. Sparks.

I felt with Mr. Adventures we will soon run out of conversation topics when the stories are done. We don't have that rapport like Mr. Sparks and I have. But maybe Mr. Adventures and I will just invent a different type of conversation. I think I need to go on a few more dates with Mr. Adventures to find out if we will run dry.

Another perspective from this date is whether Mr. Sparks felt about me the same way I felt about Mr. Adventures: pleasant to be around, but no butterflies; workable, but not exciting. I think of this because I am pretty sure Mr. Adventures feels about me the same way I feel about Mr. Sparks. He texted me at least 10 times the same night after our first date. Still not obnoxious as Mr. Needy. Mr. Needy you really did something wrong there...

What I learned: how a submarine makes oxygen by splitting water and makes fresh water from salt water.

Second date: pending. Much needed to see where this goes.

Mr. Sparks

I texted Mr. Sparks and see if he's interested in going indoor climbing with me. I needed a climbing buddy, and remembered that he's pretty active. He returned my text and said he's wanted to check out this one climbing gym, and it so just happened that there's a group of climbers going to that particular gym the next day. Anyone who joins can get a discount so I invited Mr. Sparks to go. He seemed enthusiastic. A good sign. He wants to see me again.

Things didn't start well. I got a work call right before I left the house and it was distracting to say the least. I didn't even remember how I got to the car and drove there. I was so distracted that when I got there I didn't even remember to look for him. The front desk of the gym gave me some trouble so I was even further distracted. While I was dealing with the front desk, Mr. Sparks walked up to me. I was happy to see him so I gave him a hug.

Due to certain logistics I had to take a quick lesson on belaying, so I sent Mr. Sparks off to climb with someone else. I felt pretty bad at this point. One I was so distracted by work and the front desk and the logistic issue. Two I was kind of worry that I wouldn't be able to climb with Mr. Sparks once he paired up with another climber.

So I did the lesson really quick, and noticed that Mr. Sparks was climbing with someone else. Sad face. Once the lesson was done, I couldn't find Mr. Sparks, so I met up with this other girl and started climbing. During her climb Mr. Sparks found me! Yay!

So we started climbing. I explained to him that my motivation for climbing is to overcome my fear of height and asked him to be patient with me because I will freeze midway. It was overall a pleasant experience. He's definitely a lot more advanced than I am, but he stayed at the lower rated routes with me. Maybe he didn't want to be cocky and show me off? I'd be fine with it. I am not ready to compete. My pride won't be hurt. Maybe he wants to ensure he didn't make a fool of himself in front of me with the harder routes. The male ego?

He also pushed me to try out this one route that's a bit harder and a lot higher. I gave up at least twice during the climb due to the fear, but he wound't let me down and pushed me to keep going. I did and it felt good. Someone who can push me to do better but not obnoxiously pushy. I like that.

There were some decent conversations in between climbs. By the second or third climb I've already gotten a solution in my mind for work, so I was less distracted. But climbing isn't a very social sport. Most of the time you are just hanging out up there or belaying alone.

When we were done climbing I was kind of hoping we'd go for a bite. But I had make the move to ask him to climb, so the ball was in his court. He would have to ask me for a bite. He didn't. We said goodbye, then hugged, then parted ways. He did say "I'll talk to you soon" before he left.

Now I am confused. Have I fallen in the "friend zone" with Mr. Sparks? Was I too aggressive to ask him to go climbing with me? Should I have waited for his move? I think I'll be okay if Mr. Sparks turns out to be just an activity partner. After all, I've only met him twice. Not much has been invested.

I really hate this early stage of relationship, especially with someone I like. It's so confusing. Things you should do, things you shouldn't do. What does this mean, what does that mean. The game of dating. With someone I like, I don't have the patience to play it, and I end up "friends" with the someone I like. I really hate it.

What I learned: how to properly belay :-)

Third date: not hopeful.