ADHD Daddy

Since our first date, ADHD Daddy has texted me once a day. We went on a second date where we met up for a drink then dinner. Just like the first date, ADHD Daddy just screams Dr. TGIASE #2. The words he uses to describe me; how he described his feelings for me; how he's already making plans to do all these awesome things with me; all of them are almost verbatim of Dr. TGIASE's during the first two dates. I had a nice time but still no feelings at the end of the night. I wonder if I just don't feel anything for anyone right now, or if he's so similar to Dr. TGIASE I am putting up a huge wall between us. He asked if he could see me again. Sure. I will even make dinner for him since he's paid for dinner and drinks twice now.

When I was telling my friends about the similarities between ADHD Daddy and Dr. TGIASE and The Addict, they told me things they said are likely said by a player. Were they players? Was I falling for players? I don't know anymore. Maybe they were all players. I just know that I attract a certain type, and I am attracted to them, too. I need to stop dating this type because it doesn't work out.

What I learned: nothing really. But I had some good food.

*Update: ADHD Daddy and I texted each other a couple times. I am busy, and he's busy. We don't seem to be able to find time on our schedule to meet again. I think he finally gave up. Might as well. ADHD, out of sight, out of mind. I know how that is. I am glad I didn't get swept off my feet again.

His Selective Communication

This is a revalation as earth-shattering as He's Just Not That Into You. Thank you Yashar.

Phone Calls

This guy I messaged on the free internet dating site was a high match with me; he's cute; he's kid-less! He messaged back, and we exchange phone numbers. I really had high hope for this guy. He called today, and it was the most uncomfortable phone call I've ever had. He's quiet, and there will be long stretch of silence. I am fairly good at keep the conversation afloat, but I can't do it on my own. He strikes me as your typical computer nerd who lacks social skills. That's not how his profile came across. Who knows. Maybe he's just, um, uninterested? Then why the hell call? After about 8 minutes I was ready to scream "man you've got to give me something to work with". He didn't ask me out, so I just yarned and said I should get going. Sigh. Another one bites the dust.

ADHD Daddy

I actually messaged ADHD Daddy on the free internet dating site before I met Dr. TGIASE. He responded but the message trail died. After I got back to dating, ADHD Daddy messaged me. We talked on the phone first, and he's a very smart guy, successful, but has young kids and recently divorced. Conversation over the phone with him was very satisfactory. Intellectually stimulating.

I met him for cocktail first. He's a good looking man. All the men I've dated recently are kind of short, short as in barely my height when I wear completely flat shoes. Well, beggars can't be choosers. If there's one thing I can live without is the height. That is, as long as they don't make me hug them like a baby. Oh believe me, that happened, on a second date. Yuck.

After cocktail we went for dinner. ADHD Daddy reminds me so much of Dr. TGIASE. He's very forward, not shy of telling me how he feels. Even the words he used: I just feel so comfortable around you; you are so in touch with your senses; you strike me as [compliment]. He even kissed me like Dr. TGIASE did. I somehow felt that Dr. TGIASE took my ADHD virginity. I can clearly see the ADHD signs from ADHD Daddy, and the whole time I just kept thinking about Dr. TGIASE. I felt nothing for ADHD Daddy. Here is a nice successful guy who's totally into me, albeit for his own dopamine level rather than for who I really am, I just want to go home and fantasize about Dr. TGIASE. Maybe I am not ready to date yet.

As predicted, ADHD Daddy wanted to see me as much as he can, and as soon as he can. Not feeling it makes it easier to tell him no. I am not falling for that again, not to mention that his divorce is still fairly recent. Let's keep it slow, emotionally anyway.

What I learned: How to make money as a college counselor.

Daddy

I met Daddy on the free internet dating site. Men of my age or older are usually divorced with kids. I didn't want to narrow my field so I do hang out with dads, but deep inside I'd really prefer not to. For one, I am indifferent about kids. For two, if I were to have kids it's to put my genes back in the gene pool. I've even considered getting pregnant and giving up the child because I am not sure if I want to raise him/her.

I actually thought Daddy was another guy, the Tall Asian Guy, I was going to meet. This Tall Asian Guy boasted that he's a foodie. For whatever reason I got Tall Asian Guy and Daddy mixed up. When I got a text from Daddy, I just assumed he's Tall Asian Guy. I suggested some Ethiopian restaurants because that's what we talked about through messaging. The guy texted back to suggest we meet at an AppleBee that's close to his work. I thought to myself: are you serious? I suggested another joint that I at least want to eat at, and he agreed. I don't normally date Asian guys anyway, and given the mis-understanding that this so-called "foodie" wanting to meet at AppleBee, I was fairly "meh" about the date. I'd rather go run, but I'd already said I'd go, so maybe at least I get to try this joint.

Communication styles. I need to know the end point. For example, I need to know when/where to meet, and if others are going to be late, I just need to know that 1) we are still going to meet, and 2) the new estimate of time. Once I know that, I don't need a play by play real time update as to where you are. I trust you. Stop bothering me. Daddy was running late, and once we established the new time, he called me like 5 times, informing me that he's at this intersection, at that intersection, entering the parking lot, etc. I got so annoyed. If you are going to be late, can't you at least let me wait in peace? I guess most women probably want their boyfriends to keep them entertained, e.g. talking to them while they wait. No, I can entertain myself just fine, thank you very much.

When he showed up I was shocked that this isn't the Tall Asian Guy I was expecting. Oh well. At least that explained the AppleBee. He paid for dinner which was quite cheap, so I am okay with that. He's fairly good looking. He kept asking me questions like "tell me something about yourself" and "what makes you happy". I hate generic questions like that. What do you want to know? I am not at a fucking interview, okay? I don't want to tell you that my biggest weakness is that I am a perfectionist. Can't we just hang out and get to know each other rather than putting me in the spot light to market myself?

Despite the annoyance, he's a nice guy. Talkative, and well-informed. We found some common interests. We talked about religion, politics, and past relationships. We do share similar world views.

He's a single dad raising a few teenage kids, and that puts me off a little. If I were too jealous of Dr. TGIASE's job, I am certainly going to be too jealous of Daddy's darlings. He's not going to have much time to hang with me. I don't know. I think he's better off with a mother, someone who can understand him better.

After the date he texted me everyday, asking questions, again, such as "what tickles you" and "are you in the field of your choice". I finally got so fed up that I told him I am annoyed that I felt like I am being interviewed. I told him he needs to ask more specific questions such as if I like flowers. I may have been a little abrasive...

I am not seeing a future with this guy. But hey if I am bored and he has a moment of free time, I don't mind hanging again, as long as I don't have to answer these generic questions again.

What I learned: how to be a Marine and not fight battles.

Pretty Boy

Pretty Boy is a good looking man with beautiful blue eyes, and he knows it. He has this laugh that annoys me a little. We met up for brunch at a trendy restaurant. Conversation was good. He is opinionated. We talked about everything from trophy wives to dating to Mormons. He asked me if I were dating a lot. As I answered I realized that I really am not that enthusiastic about dating right now. It's a muscle that I need to exercise on a consistent base, but I am really not into meeting someone soul-shaking at the moment. My soul needs to fully recover from Dr. TGIASE.

I realized that I really need to work on my flirting skills. If I want to date guys who don't come onto me as strongly as Dr. TGIASE, I need to flirt with them more to up their interests. After all, sex is on their minds, and it is on mine, too. I need to shred the "buddy" coat and put on the "hot date" coat. But when there isn't much chemistry, it's just so much more work to get the flirting in. I have to first talk myself into "feeling it", then to actually do it. It's so much easier to just sit back and relax and not care.

No, I must exercise the flirting muscle as well. Use these dates as practices. Get my routine down...

What I learned: University of Spoiled Children and University of Spoiled Daughters.

Outdoor Man

Outdoor Man is tall and much more good looking than the pictures lead me to believe. We had lunch at a cute little restaurant. The conversation started out mostly chit chat about his recent trip. I was talking to several guys on the phone so I got some details confused. But he was nice enough to not make a big deal about it. Then we talked about marriage and whether or not we want children. He stroke me as one who has commitment issues. He's never been married, and he considered buying a house being "tied down". He doesn't read and like to watch TV. In general, he wasn't very intellectually stimulating, but it was easy being with him. I didn't feel much chemistry, but I didn't dislike him. After the crash a burn relationship I had with Dr. TGIASE, I am experimenting with slow dating movement. Let's just hang out a few more times.

I don't know if he can deal with my work schedule. He's asked to get a second date in so let's see.

What I learned: Canyon shoes.

Phone Calls

I've been talking to a few guys one the phone.

Outdoor Man isn't that good looking. He's into the outdoors, works at a 9-5 office job, and seem talkative enough to keep me on the phone for a couple times. I remember reading his profile that he's allergic to cats, and he has a bird. Well. We will see.

Biotech Guy is pretty good looking. In fact, I was very eager to correspond with him after reading his profile. We messaged a couple times, then he checked my profile, then didn't respond for a few days. Finally we exchanged phone numbers, and we talked on the phone once. I cracked a few sarcastic comments and he didn't respond to the humor. He likes to counter my statements, that is, all statements, with "well" then the opposite of what I just said. The conversation died pretty quickly. I was kind of put off by his, well, I am not sure what it is. Arrogance? Lack of sense of humor?

Homophobe messaged me to hang out. No name, no phone number, just the place. I played along and said yes. But who would schedule a "date" or meetup without exchanging phone numbers and names? My rule, though, is that I won't give out my name or number until the guy gives it up first. Safety. I didn't go on our supposed date. Turned out he didn't either. I used the excuse of not remembering to change the clock. He said he couldn't find the place. Seriously. Finally we exchanged name and number, and we talked on the phone once. He sells insurance. I am always put off by anyone in Sales or even Marketing. I guess I am scarred for life by the sales people I work with. But an insurance sales? That turned me off quicker than dropping a ton of ice on me. I held my tongue. Give the guy a chance. There's got to be some insurance sales who are also decent intelligent human being. But he wasn't one. He made homophobic comments, generalizes, and not in funny ways.

I realized that having a good paying job isn't attractive to me. I find them boring as if they have no ambition. I am attracted to entrepreneurs - regardless if they are or have the potential to be successful - like my asshole ex-boyfriend, or people who has changed careers like Dr. TGIASE. However, I myself is one with a good paying job. Even though my job isn't traditional, I am still, nonetheless, just working. If I applied the same standards to myself, I wouldn't be attracted to me.

I also realized that as much as I love those deep intellectual conversations I had with Dr. TGIASE, they tired me after a while. It's a huge turn on in the beginning, but a few months in I just want to be a normal couple doing boring couple things, and have those deep intellectual conversations once in a while. Dr. TGIASE continued to have those conversations, with or without me, and it made me very tired, constantly wondering if I am intellectually challenging enough for him.

Well dates are lined up. I don't feel anything remotely close to how I felt about Dr. TGIASE after our messages and few phone calls. I don't expect to feel remotely close to how I felt about Dr. TGIASE after our first date.

The Climber

I met The Climber on the free internet dating site. Online communication was ordinary. He called me once, and he's really quiet. I can't handle a guy who can't initiate conversations. We went to dinner at a restaurant of his choice. Something is creepy about this guy: he stares, and he doesn't blink. At least I haven't caught him blinking once. He will just stare at me while I talk. It made me very uncomfortable. He's very quiet in person, too. I asked him what he likes to do besides work and climbing. He said that's pretty much all he does. The reason? If you want to get good at something you have to devote time to it. I know that's true. But why do I find him utterly boring?

I don't even know if these bad dates are due to my still hung up on Dr. TGIASE, or these are just genuinely not good matches. I was cleaning out my voicemail inbox today, and I was reminded of the three months of depressing dating before I met Dr. TGIASE. I met tons of people at parties and online, but none of them felt good. What about Dr. TGIASE that made me fall head over heel for him?

Well if I want to meet another great guy, I will just have to endure another long season of bad dates until that one comes by. You never know. The night before I first talked to Dr. TGIASE on the phone I didn't know I was going to be very happy for four months. Perseverance.

The Climber paid for dinner. I had a feeling the date would be bad, but I wanted to do something tonight, and I wanted a free meal. I no longer feel bad about having a guy pay for dinner on the first date. If I have to go through these bad dates, at the very least I should get some free food out of them. I invited The Climber to a pub where they serve a beer I wanted to try for a long time. In part I wanted to at least buy him a beer. He seemed hesitant. Then at the last minute before we went to our cars he said it's kind of late. I was sort of relieved. We hugged, and he said I should call him if I want to climb. Well that works.

What I learned: the defense contract industry isn't doing well at all.

Real Doc

Real Doc texted me a couple days later. We went on a second date. Despite the fact that we share a lot of values, I wasn't attracted to him. There just wasn't much chemistry. On top of that, he's not really a good kisser.

This is when I realized that I have become "picky". Dating experts would tell you that there is a difference between being "picky" and being "discriminative". Being "picky" is if you will only date guys of certain profession, of certain looks/heights, have certain "status". Being "discriminative" is if you will only date guys of certain qualities such as good characters, shared values, and sense of humor.

But where does chemistry fall? How important is chemistry? After a while, doesn't chemistry just die out anyway? I am not sure if chemistry is just lust.

After dates like this I get very depressed. I especially missed Dr. TGIASE after these dates. Dr. TGIASE and I had chemistry. We shared values. He made me laugh. I had so much fun with him. And most importantly, he's a really good man.

Then I thought about all the happy couples I know. Friend A's boyfriend is always super busy, but he would text her while he's in the bathroom just to tell her that he misses her in a 14-hour work day. Friend B's boyfriend planned and bought all the tickets for their visits before he moved away for a while. Friend C's husband knows Friend C gets anxious when he doesn't call, and he understands if Friend C had to call his friends to get in touch with him. Friend D will call his wife when he gets a minute break just to tell her how beautiful she is. I doubt any of the happy couple ever acted out this "I am too busy for you" moment.

Dating is depressing. Especially when I realized the same guys who had contacted me a few months ago are still online and looking at my profile again. I wish I were the girl who could tolerate the emotions elicited by Dr. TGIASE's lack of response/attention. I wish I were much more secured. But I am not. That makes Dr. TGIASE and a I a bad match. I am sad that I had to let go of such a great guy. I imagine there will be a guy out there who won't be too busy for me, who won't leave me hanging, wondering what's going on.

As far as Real Doc goes, I would go on more dates with him if he asks. I am trying to see if chemistry is overrated.

What I learned: In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always win - not through strength but by perseverance. H. Jackson Brown.

Real Doc

I met Real Doc in the free internet dating site. I actually messaged him first, and he replied just as Dr. TGIASE and I became exclusive. I told Real Doc that I started seeing someone and couldn't go on dates anymore. Five months later, he was still on the dating site. I messaged him again, and we met up.

He's a very good looking man. Skinny, slightly taller than I am. I call him a Real Doc because he actually has MD behind his name, and is done with his residency. Real Doc is a year younger than I am. I have no problem with a guy who's just a year younger, but Real Doc, being a doctor, quite handsome, may want some 20-something girls.

The date was fine. We talked. He was surprised how much I know about the medical field. I didn't tell him I'd just dated a med student. I knew a lot of that stuff before Dr. TGIASE anyway. Most of the time we were sitting face to face. At the end we were sitting next to each other, and we started facing each other and quite close, then he sort of moved back. Oh well. Who knows if he sensed something in me. At the end of the date he told me I was interesting, and he had a really good time "hanging out", and he'd like to "hang out" again. No kiss, but he gave me a pretty good hug.

The only thing I learned from my 3+ years of dating in San Diego is that nothing means anything. The dating scene is about a million times more difficult to predict than the stock market. Yet there are still dating experts out there predicting it, just as many financial experts out there are. We will just see if we will hear from Real Doc again, and if he'd like to *just* hang out.

What I learned: bird watching, and Texas may have some value after all.

Double Bird

I met Double Bird at a party back in Jan. Somehow he got my number and has been texting me. I ignored him for a while, but when things fell apart with Dr. TGIASE, I got in touch with him. I made it very clear that sex is the only thing I am after. Why do I call him Double Bird? He's half African American and half Native American. I am a checklist kind of person, so now I can check off both races in one night.

What I learned: what they say about a black guy is true. Very true. Also, who Kimbo Slice is.

Recovery Day 3: My Apology

I haven't heard a beep from Dr. TGIASE since the email I sent to him. No return email, no return phone call.

Today I mostly thought about the happy times we had together. On one hand I really wish we would have worked out because I rarely meet someone who is intelligent, has such good sense of humor, good in bed, has a career, and loves the outside. On the other hand, with our communication styles we would have never worked in the long run.

I still feel terrible about sort of breaking up via email despite the circumstances I was in. I did try to call to make amend but he won't respond. If I ever run into Dr. TGIASE, I feel that I can't even look him in the eyes because of how I broke it off. I decided I want to apologize to him, just for that. This is mainly for my own sake. It's my closure to myself. There may be a secret fantasy that he will respond and give me another chance. But if I know the Dr. TGIASE I know, he's never going to respond.

Since phone calls and emails didn't work, I decided on a text. He can delete my voicemail without listening to them. He can delete my emails without reading them. I know that's what he will do. But maybe a text will at least get him to read the first sentence. I sent him a text to apologize for sending the emails. I should have waited for an opportunity to resolve the problem. I told him I had a wonderful time with him, and wished him luck with school and work.

As expected, no response. Oh well. My part is done.

This song perfectly summarizes my feelings:

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number

I guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

May the universe send me another guy who is intelligent, has a good sense of humor, good in bed, has a career, and loves the outside. On top of that, please make this guy without ADHD and have communication styles that are complement to mine. Oh, most importantly, please make him love me and make me love him.