Relationship between an ADHD and a non-ADHD partner

Against my better judgement, I went to visit Dr. TGIASE in his new city. Dr. TGIASE actually forgot about my trip, but I learned to not take that personally, so I just reminded him. After the emotional weekend I wasn't sure if I wanted to visit him, mostly because I didn't want to ruin my long-awaited vacation. I was so angry with Dr. TGIASE that I worried I may break up with him, and get all sad for the vacation.

The night before the trip I told myself that if he didn't call that night I wouldn't go. He did call, albeit briefly when he's on his way to a friend's house. We talked for 5 minutes and hung up because he had to go. I called him right back and left him a voicemail - this is typical: he can always reach me, but I can never reach him. I told him that I barely had enough time to get all the errands done after my trip and before the second one, and this visit just felt a bit rushed. He called back, and I repeated myself. He then said he was looking forward to seeing me. I wanted to hear that; I wanted to feel that. I wish he would tell or show me that without me threatening to not visit him. But he said he'd understand if I have to postpone it, and I told him I'd see how much I get done the next day before my flight.

I wanted to go up and fuck the brain out of him. I wanted to see him. I miss him. But at the same time I was so angry with him. So I decided that I would go up and have a good time, and push the issue till later. My therapist told me that I should give myself permission to not think about this during the my vacation. Just put the thoughts in a box. Easier said than done.

He picked me up and we had dinner. I was a little tense, but we had fun. At night he said he didn't want his roommate to hear us, so we couldn't have sex. Then at 1am he woke me up and told me that he's freaking out because me being in his room made him feel claustrophobic. He wanted to sleep on the couch and didn't want me to wake up and not see him. I don't think Dr. TGIASE even realize how much things have changed, on his end, since he moved. He slept on the couch for a few hours and came back to bed. Of course he's so tired that we didn't have sex.

Then I remember that when I told him I was going to visit him he asked me where I'd stay. I said "your room" and he responded "well it's a little small". I guess he didn't want to hurt my feelings by asking me to get a hotel room since I already bought to ticket to visit him. I asked him that the next morning, and he said maybe we should get a hotel room. Seriously. He moved away; I bought tickets to visit him; I paid for a hotel room. Am I that desperate for him? I mean, I don't think I've been in this situation before, but I have heard that boyfriends don't usually make their girlfriends pay for tickets and hotels to visit them after they moved.

I spent the next day on my own. He told me I should pick him up at work (I was using his car) at 5:30. I got there at 5:00 and went to a coffee shop. He then texted me that he doesn't know when he can leave work. I started to feel a little rejected. I came to visit you, booked a hotel for the night, and you couldn't get off work early to hang with me??

Then I started reading this book "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" (www.adhdmarriage.com). I suspected that Dr. TGIASE may have ADHD so I thought what the hell. Here is an excerpt:

"One of the most common misinterpretations is feeling as if an ADHD spouse doesn't love his partner anymore because he isn't paying attention to her.

Take Maria. After five years of marriage, she wondered, 'why did I ever bother to get married? He doesn't even know I exist anymore!' During their courtship, Dan had been completely focused on her. But now she felt abandoned and ashamed that she no longer attracted her husband. She tried more and more desperately to get him to notice her. She stared with sexier lingerie and new clothes, but that worked only for a while. She tried planning dates and sending cards, but he still didn't pay much attention. Frustrated, she turned to yelling at him, berating him, and demanding attention. Though this in-your-face approach forced Dan to pay attention in the short term, it drove him farther away over time. He took to retreating to his computer almost as soon as he came home, widening the distance between them. Because she was expressing herself so loudly, and he wasn't responding, Maria's resentment turned into full-blown anger."

I had an "aha" moment. That's exactly how I felt. Although I didn't make it to marriage. It was only after 4 months of dating I got to this part. The book went on to explain why this happens, and other bad patterns that can develop in a relationship between an ADHD and a non-ADHD partner. It made a lot of sense to me, but it also got scarier. I've only tasted the "being ignored" part of ADHD, but there are other parts that can actually physically hurt someone.

The change of my mindset made me realized that Dr. TGIASE didn't intentionally plan to work late. He just didn't plan. In that moment I let go of the resentment and just waited. It may just be my own perception, but I felt much closer to him, and he almost returned to that fun and attentive Dr. TGIASE I felt in love with.

The next day he dropped me off the airport. I told him I'd call him from my trip, and he told me not to get paranoid if he doesn't respond right away due to the time difference. He hugged me and said: "I moved away, but we are still ok. You see?"

I guess?

Valentine's Day and four months

Since I am not in town for the official Valentine's day, Dr. TGIASE and I celebrated Valentine's day early. It's been a full 4 months! Dr. TGIASE came to my place with a suit on which makes him super hot. He brought flowers, then took me to a nice ocean-front restaurant where we had a nice dinner. The gentleman paid. Then he took me to the beach told me that having someone he respected who liked him back is something he hadn't had for a while. He then gave me a Valentine's day card, pointed to the card that says "you have my heart", looked me in my eyes and said: "I can't buy you a diamond ring yet, but..." God damn. The man who told me he should propose to me on our first date is, um, hinting that he may think about marrying me??? We went home and he had brought me a box of candles because I said I wanted candles on Valentine's day. He arranged them in a heart shape. Awe.

I wrote this down because I want to come back and remember two things:

1) He took time out of his crazy busy pre-move days to celebrate this with me. It wasn't a huge scene, but he planed a romantic time with me.

2) I could tell that he's distracted, but he tried to tell me nice things. Remember that if he thinks about me 15% of his time, I should be happy. He's a man who will be distracted by life, but he makes a point to celebrate a special time with me.

What about the ups and downs? Well, we are really learning about each other. More so, I am learning a lot about myself, too. Specifically how my own neurosis can get in the way. I hope my first insecure reaction can be lessened over time, and I learn to handle my insecurity well.

Most importantly, doctors' partners are saints. Lots of people want to marry doctors, but only a few can handle being doctors' partners. I still am not sure if I have what it takes.

Searching for the perfect man

I have come to the conclusion that the way Dr. TGIASE disrespected my feelings and the way he shuts me out of his life was completely unacceptable. He is a partner who says "here is the boat. I am on it. You are either on or off." I want a partner who says "here is a boat. Let us decide if we want to be on it together."

That said, I started thinking about all the relationships/marriages I know. How many of them are true partnerships where both are best of friends while utterly compatible in life? How many are just results of comprise after comprise? Modern women ask a lot in a man. We want our best friend in a partner; we want him to be the father of our children; we want him to be the provider for the family; we want him to share the household work; we want him to satisfy us sexually all around; we want him to provide emotional support; we want to be connected with him on every level.

Is that realistic? I sometimes think that's the difference between women in satisfactory relationships and women who are, like myself, single after certain ages. We ask for the perfect man who can provide us satisfaction in every aspect of our lives. This could be done in our mother's time, or their mother's time, because back then there weren't that many aspects of women's lives. If he could bring the bacon and the children, women were content. If he supported women in any other way, he's a saint. But as women's lives are more enriched, they also need fulfillment on more levels. Is it, then, still realistic to expect a man to fulfill all our needs?

Dr. TGIASE can be a good provider. He can bring me children, on hopes. He definitely makes me happy in the sack. So he can't provide the emotional support I need. Can I live with that and seek the support somewhere else?

In terms of the life decision part. There is still the question of if this can be comprised eventually, or if this is a deal breaker.

I wonder when I look back at this post, if I would feel angry because I was making excuse to stay with him, or if I would feel gratitude because I made excuse to stay with him.

But one way or another, I have to decide soon. I don't want to break up when he starts med school again. It needs to be done so he has time to recover.