The invalidations

In our society, the hierarchy for women goes like this:

Married with children
Divorced with children
Married with no children
Unpartnered with children
Unpartnered with no children

An unpartnered, childless woman of a certain age is at the bottom of the barrel. To my society, and to a large extend my friends and families, I don't exist. Not the real me, the unpartnered, childless me. To them, I am simply the wife/mother-in-training.

To be invalidated by my society based solely on my fertility and marital status hurts. My contribution, otherwise, to the society is ignored. But I can live with this. I know my own worth; I have faith that my worth will be recognized by someone somewhere.

However, to be invalidated by Dr. TGIASE, the man I love(d), hurts to no end. Here is a man, a lover, a partner, who told me my entirety, everything I've got to offer him, is nothing compared to the fertility a 28-year-old can offer him. To be invalidated by someone I respected, loved, dreamt of a future with, it is a huge blow to my values and believes. I booked an appointment to talk to my physician about freezing my eggs. I wish I were a man.

What's more scary is that how many men actually believe this but would never say it out loud? All of them? It's a primal need, but we aren't hunter gathers anymore. All these bullshit about primal need of non-monogamous, finding women with big boobs, aren't they just all excuses for one to justify hurting someone else? I don't judge people who wants non-monogamous relationships as long as no one gets hurt. We live in a world much different than the paleolithic age, why haven't we evolved to behave according to our environment? Aren't these evolutionists all hypocrites in terms of this?

In the end, how does one live hopefully without comprising her values in the face of all these invalidations?

The Creep

I met The Creep on the free internet dating site. The message conversation started with thoughts on Christianity, and he asked to meet. I re-scheduled because of two reasons: a date conflict with Dog Owner, and The Creep asked me to meet at a hotel lobby. The first meeting for internet dates are never real first dates. At most they are "meet and greet". But I still don't want to meet and greet a stranger at a hotel lobby... That creeped me out a little, so I chose Dog Owner over The Creep.

The Creep called a week later. Once I talked to him on the phone, my interest was piqued. He's well educated, have some original thoughts, and seem to share some common grounds with me. I agreed to meet him at a Chinese restaurant. He wanted to meet at 5:30pm. Again, unusual. Fine. Whatever.

I am a hugger, so I always hug people even if they are strangers. When I first met The Creep, he extended his hand for a handshake while I opened my arm for a hug. This happens a lot. I am sorry, I don't do handshakes with potential dates. Most people adapt quickly and switch to a hug. The Creep hugged me, and lifted me off the ground. What The FUCK? From that moment on, he seemed distracted, uncomfortable, and arrogant. He didn't ask me much personal questions, and when I asked him questions such as "where did you grow up", he gave very generic answers, never offering any personal answers. We talked about politics, racial stereotypes, gender stereotypes, etc. The entire time I get the feeling that he was just not interested at all, and he wanted me to know it. I really didn't care. Luckily the meeting was confined by the length of the meal, so when the food is finished, we parted ways.

I was kind of pissed off because I could have done yoga that night. Instead I wasted an hour on The Creep. Not time wasted in the sense that I didn't get a boyfriend out of him. I was intrigued but I wasn't all that interested because he's younger. I simply don't like younger men. Time wasted in the sense that I learned nothing, absolutely nothing, from this hour meeting. I lost an hour of my life, and gained nothing. That pisses me off.

What I learned: absolutely nothing. Fuck this.

The 28-year old hussy

Finally Dr. TGIASE is back to San Diego. He sent me an email saying he'd like to keep in touch. I suggested that we met up for coffee because I needed the closure.

I was nervous, but the evening went well. We talked and laughed like old times. At the end of the night he told me he'd like to do this again soon. I told him that I didn't want to be just friends. To me, I want him to be my boyfriend now, or I can take a while to recover and be friends down the road.

He said he couldn't say yes for several reasons.

Reason one, he now thinks that he probably shouldn't be dating anyone right now so he can focus on school.

Reason two, he wants kids, and he doesn't want them before his training is done. He can wait, and there will be some 28-year old hussy he can always marry and knock up.

This is the very first time a man actually rejected me, out loud, for my ticking biological clock. I have always been ambivalent about having kids. My attitude is that if a man wants it, I'll comply, but I don't need to be a mother like many do. It came a a surprise to how much it hurts to realize that I have crossed the line where no matter how awesome I may be, I am an unsuitable partner for many men.

I am at that peculiar age where:

- men of family minds have already partnered up and have families
- men within my age range (+12/-2) who aren't partnered up aren't ready for a while, hence my declining fertility is of huge concern
- men who are ready to have families are too old

It is the closure I needed. I am glad that Dr. TGIASE was honest about it rather than stringing me along and leave me in the future when I can't have kids.

Dating is a hopeless game. I think I am done playing.

Dog Owner

Dog Owner asked me to "come over and have a glass of wine". I went over, and had some scotch. We didn't make out, didn't even sit on the couch and snuggle. We sat next to the dinning table and BS for an hour. Dog Owner is an intellectual and has a job for an intellectual, but he would say stuff like "hey man have fun" while throwing this gangster gesture. WTF?

At the end he pecked me on the lips. Maybe one of these days when his dogs are at his ex-wife's we can finally, like, kiss?

What I learned: in the 60s the Chinese reached out to western world because they needed a fertilizer plant. Also Lismore Speyside from TJ is an okay single-malt scotch. Drink it like Mad Men.

Mr. Generic, #2

I started this blog with Mr. Generic. I am meeting a lot of these generic guys. They all seem to work in the computer industry. They work a set schedule. Who knows what they do after work. Maybe work out a little? On weekends they "go to the beach and hand out and stuff". They don't have any specific passion besides, I guess, being alive. They don't have causes. They don't seem to know much. I am sure they are all fine guys, but I don't seem to be attracted to any of them. My problem, I know.

Mr. Generic, #2 is such a guy. I met him on the free internet dating site. We talked on the phone. I am just going to keep blaming my bitchiness on PMS. I am always pre- or post- menstrual cycle, hence the pre- or post menstrual syndrome. I started talking about organic food, buying local, etc, etc. Mr. Generic, #2 doesn't seem to have any opinion about this. He will say "oh yeah?" at the end of many of my statements. That annoyed me. After a while it doesn't sound like he has much going on in his life, so I ask him what he does after work or on weekends. "Oh, I go to the beach and stuff." *Eye roll*. I am really spoiled by Dr. TGIASE - a man with interests, passions, causes, opinions, knowledges. A man who is alive... Sigh.

Is there even a need to meet Mr. Generic, #2? I think not.

What I learned: people who program drones some times do know what part of the drone their programs control.

Lovable (?) Geek

I met Lovable (?) Geek on the free internet dating site. We had set a date before but I sort of cancelled last minute. These days I am not too motivated to date mostly because I am definitely not over Dr. TGIASE yet. But if a guy asks me out, I'd go out with him. I always award this behavior. Lovable (?) Geek is such a guy. Not too impressive of a profile, but he asked, and persisted, so I went on a coffee date. He's actually quite cute with a Filipino father and a white mother. He has some interesting family background but in general I didn't feel much chemistry. We don't seem to share much interest. He said he liked to read on his profile, but when asked couldn't tell me the most recent book he read. Another thing that annoys me is when guys ask me how I like that free internet dating site. Um, are we really out of topics to talk about, on a first date, that we have to talk about the dating site? I like it just fine, thank you very much. It's one of the many ways to meet men. It happens to be free. What more do you want? I guess I still have PMS - post menstrual syndrome. I should take this opportunity in the future and get a guy-perspective.

What I learned: the racial tension in the mid-west is usually constrained to white-black relationships. Other races are usually not the target.

Update: Lovable (?) Geek and I texted a few times back and forth. Meh. No sparks. Oh well.

Dog Owner

While I was trying to concentrate on Outdoor Man, I didn't have time to date others. But after I squared away with Outdoor Man, I was ready to see other people. Dog Owner happened to ask me to hang out again so we went for a nice walk with his two dogs. I found out that he's separated, has custody issues with the ex-wife about the dogs, almost divorced two years ago but stayed in the marriage. Dog Owner is a smart man, knows a lot. He's way too neurotic about his dogs. I am much more free-spirited than he is, and that's to say a lot. I forgive him though. He's definitely not ready to move on for a relationship, and I am not ready either. So this is a perfect match. We keep each other company, but no stress. Two dates and we didn't even kiss. Well I am okay with that. I will keep dating him for the dogs...

What I learned: early settlement in Chicago.